Woodwinds

Flute/Piccolo Jokes

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

Shoot one.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Double Reed Jokes

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?

Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?

Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?

Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

A bad oboist can kill you.

Clarinet Jokes

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinettist with half a brain?

Gifted.

Saxophone Jokes

You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

The grip.

WhWhat's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?

The exhaust.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

French Horn Jokes

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?

Have them miss every other note.

How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?

A goalpost that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. I played that last year."

"Hi. I did that piece in junior high."