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Folk/Rock/Popular Music and Instruments Banjo Jokes What's the difference between
a banjo and a chain saw? The
chain saw has greater dynamic range. What's the least-used
sentence in the English language? "Isn't
that the banjo player's Porsche?" What do you say to a banjo
player in a three-piece suit? "Will
the defendant please rise?" There's nothing I like better
than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught
in a vacuum cleaner. Female five string banjoist
shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget,
sweetheart, I need a new G string." Guitar Jokes What does it mean when a
guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? The
stage is level. How many guitar players does
it take to change a light bulb? Twelve.
One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. How do you get a guitar
player to play softer? Give
him some sheet music. What do a vacuum cleaner and
an electric guitar have in common. Both
suck when you plug them in. How do you make a bass player
turn down the volume? Put a chart in front of him. How many lead guitarists does
it take to change a light bulb? None--they
just steal somebody else's light. What do you call two
guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint.
What did the guitarist do
when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He
caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. What's the best thing to play
on a guitar? Solitaire.
How many bass players does it
take to change a light bulb? None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice. One, but the guitarist has to show him first. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead
guitarists who are hogging the light.
In
the 22nd century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light
source? Five.
One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes
were. Did you hear about the
electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? Accordion Jokes If you drop an accordion, a
set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who
cares? What's the difference between
an Uzi and an accordion? The
Uzi stops after 20 rounds. What do you call ten accordions
at the bottom of the ocean? A
good start. What's a bassoon good for? Kindling
for an accordion fire. What's a accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map. Bumper Stickers: Play an accordion--go to jail! Three rows and you're out!
Minimum
safe distances between street musicians and the public: ·
Violinist: 25 feet ·
Bad Violinist: 50 feet ·
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet ·
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana
fixation: 100 feet ·
Accordionist: 60 miles Chang Jokes A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal. How long does it take to tune
a chang? Nobody
knows. Why is it so difficult to
tune a chang? So
that violist can feel superior about something. Q: How many chang players
does it take to change a light bulb? All
of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide
that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the
switch. Misc. Jazz/Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Popular Why do bagpipe players walk
while they play? To
get away from the noise. What's the difference between
an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? A
hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer. How many country &
western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Three.
One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one. What happens if you play
blues music backwards? Your
wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison. What do you get when you play
New Age music backwards? New
Age music. What does it say on a blues
singer's tombstone? "I
didn't wake up this morning..." "Hey, buddy, how late do
the filkers play?" "Oh,
about half a beat behind..." What's the difference between
a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually
the puppy stops whining. How many sound men does it
take to change a light bulb? "One, two, three, one, two, three..." "Hey man, I just do sound." One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it
with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet
mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet
from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How
many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001.
One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000
to follow it around until it burns out. How many punk-rock musicians
does it take to change a light bulb? Two:
One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. Know how to make a million
dollars singing jazz? Start
with two million. How many jazz musicians does
it take to change a light bulb? None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"
How
do you turn a duck into a soul artist? Put
it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers. Angus was asked why there
were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered,
"Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano." Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!" I was playing in a night
club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a
man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord.
I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz
chord." I did a little
improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz
chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'" Son: Mother, I want to grow
up and be a rock-n-roll musician. A Jazz musician was told by
his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have
only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied,
"And what am I going to live on for an entire year?" |
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