Miscellaneous Jokes

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give VIZ and other comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest
in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower
and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.
 
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days.  Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Only go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so they may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

Puns

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you  can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

THE TRUCK AND THE TOLLBOOTH.....

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Why??

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated
consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. 

That means, "Be brief and don't use big words." ;)

100 Zany Ways to Phone in a Pizza Order 

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 

3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 

8. Answer their questions with questions. 

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the stuff about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 

15. Stutter on the letter "p." 

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 

23. Change your accent every three seconds. 

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 

28. Rent a pizza. 

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 

36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 

39. Play a sitar in the background. 

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 

42. Ask to see a menu. 

43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 

62. Try to talk while drinking something. 

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!" 

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 

66. Be vague in your order. 

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." 

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take anything from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 

85. Haggle. 

86. Order a one-inch pizza. 

87. Order term life insurance. 

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 

92. Engage in some serious swapping. 

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 

97. Order a steamed pizza. 

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

How to be Annoying 

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Drum on every available surface. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Set alarms for random times. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Ask to "interface" with someone. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise: jumping to conclusions, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, and pushing their luck.

Just when you thought you knew everything....

1.In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons
of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway
after a car accident.

2.You can put a t-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will
be gone in two days.

3.To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet
bowl.......Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4.The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5.To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers [ tells you
how old this info is ]: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece
of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6.To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of
Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

7.To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola
to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8.To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan;
wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.  Thirty minutes before the
ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the
Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

9.To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of
greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle.  The
Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.  It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.

FYI:
1.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It
will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck
must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly
Corrosive materials.

3.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of
their trucks for about 20 years!

Drink up!

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and
Shmerel were talking   about moving to the US.

Berel says, "When I move to America, I'm going to have to change
my name.  They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."

Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also have to change my
name.   They'll call me Chuck."

Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."

It was little Michael's first visit to the
country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Early one morning he caught his first glimpse
of peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing
indoors excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.

"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of  the chickens
is in bloom!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a
camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle
of wine, they lay down for the night, and
went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged
his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the
sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions
of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically,
it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in
Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is
all-powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect
that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our
tent!"

You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a
pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What
if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to
death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

Irish Jokes

Q.What do you call an Irishman with no legs?

A. Neil

Q. What do you call an Irishman that has a spade?

A. Doug

Q. What do you call an Irishman without a spade?

A. Douglas

Subject: 1957

Comments made in the year 1957:

Thought you might like to see these!!!

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to  be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be
long before $5000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter
a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving
the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since
they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,'
it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put
a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem
to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

    What do you call a rude sultan?

    Insultan'

The Ten Work Place Commandments of George Costanza

1 - Never walk without a document in your hands:

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 - Use computers to look busy:

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3 - Messy desk:

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 - Voice Mail:

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5 - Looking Impatient and Annoyed:

One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6 - Leave the office late:

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss's room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7 - Creative Sighing for Effect:

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8 - Stacking Strategy:

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9 - Build Vocabulary:

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10 - MOST IMPORTANT:

Don't forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

On motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so!!

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

IDIOT SIGHTING #6:
Her: " And my twin brother said.."
Me: " You have a twin...Are you identical?"
Her: "No..."
Me: (Zen illumination) " Of course you can't be identical"
Her: " Quite a lot of people ask us that question!"

Idiots in Business

This one actually happened to me recently. I have been using American
Express for over 15 years. Recently I missed a payment and was the
grand total of $0.25 late.

Thinking that they really would not want a cheque for this amount I
waited until I used the card again. This did not happen and I had not
used the card for a few months. Meanwhile I got a late demand from AE.
They threatened to take me to court, sell my house, sell my car,
threatened me with damages, all over $0.25.

Needless to say I wrote tham a pretty hostile letter in reply, with
the cheque. 

Crossing in the mail was another account from them actually writing
off the small overdue amount.

After cutting up the card as ordered, I wrote back to them saying
their customer service stank and told them where to stick their card.


Remember going to the defunct State Savings Bank and trying to pay my
mortgage with my Savings Account. The stupid clerk was objecting because
the signature....I tried to argue with him that it was unusual for a
thief stealing a booklet to pay with his loot the mortgage of his
victim, but as he said, "we have our orders"


Some decades ago when we still had an oil heater and I was paying regular
oil bills, I overpaid one account by $30 or so, subsequently getting an
end-of-year account statement that I had a credit of $30 (-$30). I
thought nothing of it, believing that hey would simply deduct it from next
year's account. I received a second reminder, but I also ignored it. The
third reminder threatened legal action. When I rang the oil company to
tell them to "adjust their computer" I was rudely told that I should have
been more careful.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
--
A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
--
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put it: $49,999."

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
--
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

A recent headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread.

The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

Well, we've done a little research, and the facts that have been discovered should make anyone think twice....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardised tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average Australian eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jam, vegemite, and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 150 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H=«gtý. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2ã times the square root of (l/g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Other answers given:

a. Drop the barometer from the roof, time its descent and apply equations of motion to get the height of the building.

b. Measure the ratio of the shadow to height of the barometer. Apply this ratio to the length of the building shadow.

c. Move the barometer away from the eye until it just covers the building. Knowing the distance from the eye, the size of the barometer and the distance from the base of the building you can calculate height using trigonometry/geometry.

"AT THE BEEP..."

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not take surveys, don't need a new phone company or a holiday, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Cartoon Laws of Physics

CARTOON LAW I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.

CARTOON LAW II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

CARTOON LAW III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

CARTOON LAW IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

CARTOON LAW V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

CARTOON LAW VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

CARTOON LAW VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

CARTOON LAW VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

CARTOON LAW IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.

CARTOON LAW X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

CARTOON LAW XI Cartoon characters never need to go to the hospital to receive first aid. Upon emerging from a huge scrap, the losing character will invariably be covered in crossed-over sticking plasters and bandages, and quite often be walking with the aid of a crutch.

CARTOON LAW XII Cartoon characters do not obey the traditional laws of hair regrowth. Whatever the damage to a character, whether it be having all of its hair frazzled by an explosion or its fur shaved by a lawnmower, in the next scene the hair will doubtless be fully regrown.

CARTOON LAW Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

CARTOON LAW Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

CARTOON LAW Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.

CARTOON LAW Amendment D Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

CARTOON LAW Amendment E Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which CARTOON LAWs hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

An editor, weary of the abuse that followed his editorials, printed the Ten Commandments. A few days later came a letter, "Cancel my subscription. You're getting too personal."

Anyone nit-picking enough to write to an editor pointing out an error doubtlessly deserves the error that provoked it.

Waitress: "Looks like rain today, doesn't it?"
Customer: "Yes, but I ordered coffee!"

There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say, unless you insist on saying it.

TV Repairman: "What seems to be the trouble?"
"The newscaster has a very long face."
"So would you if you had to read the news these days!"

Teacher: "This first essay of yours is very good. May I ask who wrote it for you?"
Student: "Glad you liked it. May I ask who read it to you?"

Meteorologist (Weatherman): "Put down rain for today. Absolutely certain."
Assistant: "Are you sure sir?"
"Quite sure. I've forgotten my umbrella, my wife is having a lawn party, and I'm planning a game of golf!"

"Did you have trouble with your French when you were in Paris?"
"No. The French people did though!"

Chemistry Teacher: "Boy, what is HNO₃?"
"Oh... er... I've got on the tip of my tongue sir..."
"Spit it out quick boy. It's Nitric Acid!"

A violinist, who also fancied himself as a comedian, was to give a performance at Parliament House. On entry he was stopped by the guard, who naturally asked about the contents of his violin case. He decided to see what would happen and said, "Just a heavy machine gun." The guard looked narrowly at him and said, "That's OK, but if it was your violin I'd have confiscated it."

Then there was the boy who went to the zoo and got in trouble for feeding the monkeys. He fed them to the lions.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinaman were in a balloon race across the Atlantic. They were over the Irish Sea and the Englishman looked down behind and said, "Ah, my beautiful England!". The Irishman looked ahead and said, "Ah, my beautiful Ireland!". The Chinaman threw a teacup overboard and said, "Ah, my beautiful China!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, "Flood!" There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, "Sandstorm!" Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, "Fire!". And they did...

Teller of tall stories: "I was shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific, and lived for a week on a tin of sardines!"
Bored listener: "I'm surprised you didn't fall off!"

Same tall story merchant: "I was shut up in prison, with handcuffs on, chained to the wall, and behind a solid steel door with an enormous lock. So I manoeuvred my toe into the keyhole, and pushed real hard, and soon, SNAP!"
Listener: "You broke the lock? Just like that?"
"No, I broke my big toe!"

Carpenter: "Son, you're hammering those nails in like lightning!"
Apprentice: "You mean I'm fast?"
"No, you never strike in the same place twice!"

Scene: the HQ of the colonel of a beleagured garrison. Colonel is desperate. "Reinforcements still haven't arrived! There's nothing else for it. Major, begin Plan X!"
As the major salutes and leaves the room, one soldier asks another, "What's Plan X?"
The answer comes, "He's crossing them off his Christmas Card list!"

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it."

The young lad walked up a dark, dark driveway and onto a dark, dark porch, opened a dark, dark front door and walked into a dark, dark hallway. He looked down a dark, dark corridoor and into a dark, dark room and there in a dark, dark corner was an electrician mending the fuses.

"This restaurant must have very clean kitchens!" "Thank you sir. How did you know?" "Everything tastes of soap!"

"Landlord, those people in the flat upstairs keep banging around and making heaps of noise!" "Does it keep you awake?" "No, but it interferes with my trumpet practice!"

"How do you do?" "Do what?"

"These shoes are too narrow and pointed for me." "But they're wearing narrow, pointed shoes this year!" "Well I'm still wearing last year's feet."

I've invented a device that lets people see through walls! I call in a window!

There was a mgaician who was so bad he made the audience disappear...

What's that in your button hole?

A chrysanthemum.

It looks like a rose to me.

No, it's a chrysanthemum!

Spell it then!

Er... C R I S... Hey, that is a rose!

There was one who was a fanatic about smoking. If he saw someong with a cigarette, he would grab it and step on it. He eventually died of cancer in the foot.

A letter to the Weather Bureau: "Dear Sirs, It may interest you to know that I have just shovelled three feet of Partly Cloudy from my front doorstep. Sincerely Yours."

A new bartender, a weedy, undersized man, was instructed, "If you ever hear that Big John's coming to town, drop everything and run for your life. Don't stop for anything. Just run."

For a few months everything went fine, then a hefty cowboy called, "Big John's a-comin'!" and knocked the bartender down in his rush to escape. Before he could get up, an enormous man with a black beard rode into the saloon on a buffalo, using a live rattlesnake for a whip, broke the swing-doors off their hinges, knocked over three tables, threw his snake in the corner, broke the bar in half with his fist, and demanded a drink. The bartender pushed a bottle at him, and he broke the neck off and drained the bottle at one gulp. The bartender nervously asked him if he wanted another, and he roared, "Got no time! Big John's a-comin'!"

"The building's on fire! Quick, jump out the window!"
"But this is the thirteenth floor!"
"This is no time for superstitions!"

"This match won't light!"

"That's funny. It did this morning!"

"I see you're putting up a new building."

"The company has a strict policy. We never put up an old one."

A helicopter pilot was lost among all the tall office buildings, so to find the airport he wrote a notice in large letters saying, "Where am I?" and flew past an office with it displayed in the helicopter's side window. He saw the building's occupants busily writing their own note, so he hung around until the reply came: "You are in a helicopter"! The amazing part was, he then immediately made a bee-line in one direction and came upon the airport. His passengers asked him how he knew, and he replied, "That building had to be the Microsoft office. Because their answer was, like the company's technical help people's, technically correct but absolutely useless!"

      Russia

   A train is travelling across the USSR. Among the many passengers, and in a special compartment, are Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev. Suddenly, the engine breaks down and the train comes to a halt. Lenin says he will take care of it, so he goes to the engine and lectures the engineer on the principles of Marxism and the importance of duty to the Soviet Union. The train still doesn’t go, so Stalin goes to the engine and shoots the engineer. Still the train doesn’t move, so Khrushchev says, “We must not hold the engineer’s past mistakes against him.” He proceeds to the engine and props up the engineer’s body at the controls. When this doesn’t help, Brezhnev suggests they close the blinds and pretend the train is moving. This they proceed to do, remarking about how quiet the ride is. Finally, Gorbachev gets out, climbs on top of the train, and announces, “Look, everybody, the train is not moving!” The passengers are delighted to have a leader so honest.

The train, however, still doesn’t go anywhere.