Microsoft

The Ten Commandments of DOS

I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits there-from.

Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .

Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .

Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .

Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

Windows Source Code

Some people have hacked into Microsoft and stolen their Windows XP code and here it is. I am sure that they would love any improvements for the next version.

#include <windows.h>
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

main()
{
    if (detect_cache())
        disable_cache();

    if (fast_cpu())
        set_wait_states(lots);

    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

    printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right \
        or just call it Chicargo)\n");

    if (system_ok())
        crash(to_dos_prompt);
    else
        system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

    while(1) {
        sleep(5);
        get_user_input();
        sleep(5);
        act_on_user_input();
        sleep(5);
        if (rand() < 0.9)
            crash(complete_system);
    }
    return(unrecoverable_system);
}

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

• WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
• WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
• WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
• WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
• WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
• WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
• WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
• WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
• WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
• WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
• WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
• WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
• WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
• WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
• WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
• WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
• WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
• WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
• WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
• WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
• WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
• WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
• WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
• WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
• WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
• WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
• WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
• WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
• WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
• WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
• WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
• WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
• WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
• WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
• WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
• WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96

SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT

Stock Price Increases 50%

"We'll do it better," Says Microsoft

CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.

It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.

Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.

Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.

Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. "Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company," said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as "Scooter." "It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude."

A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the company's marginal revenue. "Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collector's items and therefore increase dramatically in value," according to the memo, which went on to explain that "this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations." Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.

Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindler's strategy. "Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius," said one Wall Street analyst. "This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. It's like the old days. Mac is back!" Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.

The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.

Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike "an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did." Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.

Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, "Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant."

In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. "This is a project we already had underway," said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. "We just decided that the marketplace won't be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide that's when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, we're hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apple's idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that we're evaluating previously extant competitive actions." The project, dubbed Curtains `97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.

Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the "look and feel" of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Our founding fathers on PCs:

1776


Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential 
hat we complete this Declaration of Independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.


Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has
everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication 
problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy


Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.


Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online 
just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our 
document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating.

I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.


Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^^$# General Protection Fault!


Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that
problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended 
Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled 
candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an
active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!


Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker
recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please?
Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the 
floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought
about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 
72-point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the
file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my
quill pen....

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows.  {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the
works.}  In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your
Windows computing even more fun!  The final specs are not yet set,
so please feel free to make suggestions.  The keys proposed so far 
are:

1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection 
Fault when pressed.  Microsoft representatives state that the purpose 
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need 
to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred 
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need 
for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of 
Microsoft products.  When pressed it inserts random superlative 
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows 
within the file being edited.

4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing 
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or 
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.  (Is 
very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the 
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place).  And you 
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95! 

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95.  Because it's 
usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it 
easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% 
data compression guaranteed.  Could stand for Format Disk, but we all 
know what it really stands for.

     Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it
     is selling advertising space in the error messages
     that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the
     first time that the average user of their
     operating system encounters error messages at
     least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to
     take financial advantage of the unavoidable
     opportunity to make an ad impression.

     "We estimate that throughout the world at
     any given moment several million people are
     getting a `General Protection Fault' or `Illegal
     Operation' warning. We will be able to generate
     significant revenue by including a short
     advertising message along with it," said Microsoft
     marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also
     mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner
     ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near
     future.

     The Justice Department immediately
     indicated that they intend to investigate whether
     Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in
     reaching the public with this advertising by
     virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error
     messages.

Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market, explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly, since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.

J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.

C: Sorry, they're bundled.

J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

C: You don't; the Coke is free.

J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!

J: I already bought a 7-Up across the street - I'm not going to drink the Coke.

C: Then you can't have the burger.

J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.

J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!

C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

J: Why did you just do that?!?!

C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.

J: Aaarrgh!

Multiple choice:


Microsoft is negotiating a deal with a major cable television company. This will result in:

(a) Enhanced cable systems which will revolutionize both the cable-TV industry and the home computer industry with interactive cable and digital Internet television

OR

(b) Seinfeld reruns that freeze up in the middle of the episode for no apparent reason, requiring you to shut down and restart the episode, losing all unsaved jokes.

The correct answer is (b).

   Patron: Waiter!

   Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.
           What seems to be the problem?

   Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

   Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

   Patron: No, it's still there.

   Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup;
           try eating it with a fork instead.

   Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

   Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
          what kind of bowl are  you using?

   Patron: A SOUP bowl!

   Waiter: Hmmm, that should work.  Maybe it's a configuration
           problem; how was the bowl set up?

   Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to
           do with the fly in my soup?!

   Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
           noticed the fly in your soup?

   Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

   Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
           of the Day?

   Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

   Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

   Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

   Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

   Patron: Fine.  Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
           I'm running late now.

   Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and
           the check

   Waiter: Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.

   Patron: This is potato soup.

   Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

   Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

   Waiter leaves.

   Patron: Waiter!  There's a gnat in my soup!


   The check:
   Soup of the Day . ........... . . .   $5.00
   Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50
   Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00

	Super Size 'upgrades' would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually
	use the food to its fullest potential. 

	We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru. 

	Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King,
	McMicrosoft would 'preannounce' *their* new burger, even though its secret
	sauce is still in alpha. 

	They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria! 

	Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it
	from the digestive tract proves impossible. 

  

11) Invited entire tech-support department to play golf.  Brought  
    Melissa to complete the foursome.  
  
10) Steve Jobs started work today.  The silverware looks great, but  
    he doesn't do windows -- yet.  
  
 9) The baby cries constantly.  Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.  
  
 8) Bought my first Macintosh.  It's sooooo cute!  
  
 7) Good day.  Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash  
    bins outside Microsoft headquarters.  
  
 6) Bad day.  Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three  
    hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one  
    whole.  
  
 5) Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner.  Yes!  
  
 4) Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!  
  
 3) Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy  
    china, she means dishes.  
  
 2) Ran into Demi and Bruce.  Upped my offer to a billion dollars.  
  
  
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...  
  
  
 1) Seventh day: rested.  

	Costello:  Hey, Abbott!
	Abbott:  Yes, Lou?
	Costello:  I just got my first computer.
	Abbott:  That's great Lou. What did you get?
	Costello:  A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
		and a 24X CD-ROM.
	Abbott:  That's terrific, Lou.
	Costello:  But I don't know what any of it means!!
	Abbott:  You will in time.
	Costello:  That's exactly why I am here to see you.
	Abbott:  Oh?
	Costello:  I heard that you are a real computer expert.
	Abbott:  Well, I don't know-
	Costello:  Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
		me.
	Abbott:  Really?
	Costello:  Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
	Abbott:  O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
	Costello:  I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
	  	should be very careful how you turn it off.
	Abbott:  That's true.
	Costello:  So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
  		off. What do I do?
	Abbott:  Well, first you press the Start button, and then -
	Costello:  No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
	Abbott:  I know, you press the Start button-
	Costello:  Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start
  		it. So tell me what to do.
	Abbott:  I did.
	Costello:  When?
	Abbott:  When I told you to press the Start button.
	Costello:  Why should I press the Start button?
	Abbott:  To shut off the computer.
	Costello:  I press Start to stop.
	Abbott:  Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
	Costello:  I knew it! So what do I press.
	Abbott:  Start
	Costello:  Start what?
	Abbott:  Start button.
	Costello:  Start button to do what?
	Abbott:  Shut down.
	Costello:  You don't have to get rude!
	Abbott:  No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
	Costello:  Then say what you mean.
	Abbott:  To shut down the computer, press-
	Costello:  Don't say, "Start!"
	Abbott:  Then what do you want me to say?
	Costello:  Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the 
  		Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one
  		in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
	Abbott:  But that's what you do.
	Costello:  And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
	Abbott:  Don't be ridiculous.
	Costello:  I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started
		this conversion.
	Abbott:  What are you talking about?
	Costello:  I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel."
"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."
"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"
"Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!"
"Scotty, that's an order."
"Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."
"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"
"We're on disk 5, sir."
"Good. Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt."
"Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"How about a Sound Blaster?"
"Unknown, Captain."
"What good are you, anyway?"
"Box-office attraction, Captain."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a hardware technician."
"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."
"Aye, aye, Captain."
"Chekov?"
"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."
"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long"
"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.
"Aye, Captain."
"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."
"Yes, Sir."
"Spock?"
"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."
"Disable the card, Spock."
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."
"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."
[Looks at watch.] "Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems."
"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."
"Uhura?"
"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow."
"Scotty, what's happening down there?"
"The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time."
"See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?"
"It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive."
[Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.]
"Put it on visual, Chekov."
"Aye, Captain."
[Louder OOhs and Ahhs.]
"Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!"
"I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding."
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!"
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."
"Captain, it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it."
"Long-range scan, Chekov."
"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."
"Patrick Stewart?"
"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"
"No."
"Must be a generation gap."
"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre."
"[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert."
"Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!"
"Bones?"
"I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!"
"Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet."
"Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says 'Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm."
[BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]
"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!"
"Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."
"We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the kernel at Star Fleet."
"Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."
"Spock?"
"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many."
"Scotty, get us out of here!"
"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover."
"Bones?"

Windows 95 - The right choice

So you've all heard of OS/2 Warp. Here's why Windows 95 is the right operating system for you:

Enhanced error handling: 
Over the past 12 months, MicroSoft have been working intensively on the bugs inherent in Windows 3.1. The result: an advanced operating system with greatly enhanced bugs. All of the Windows 3.1 bugs are present in Windows 95, and run faster than ever. We have also introduced a range of new bugs never before seen in an operating system of this type. Whether you are a professional programmer, a casual user, or a game player, Windows 95 offers a larger range of bugs than any other operating system on the market.

32-bit Memory Managment:
Windows 95 offers full 32-bit management of 16 bit memory. After a considerable amount of work, the familiar "General Protection Fault" is nowhere to be seen. The GPF has been replaced by two significantly improved errors: 
"Specific Protection Fault" - used to corrupt an individual 16-bit process.
"Global Protection Fault" - this powerful memory management facility will allow a corrupt process not only to corrupt all other running processes, but corrupt processes on all other machines within a five-mile radius. Even now we are developing "pre-emptive" memory management, which will be able to corrupt processes which are not yet running.

Threaded Multi-Tasking:
The cooperative multi-tasking found in Winodws 3.1 has now been replaced with the far more powerful "uncooperative multi-tasking". This enhancement will allow several processes to crash simultaneously. Our new crash protection facility greatly enhances the multi-tasking environment. Should one process fail, the CPF will prevent this process from being disturbed by other cleanly running processes. The multi-threading environment allows one process to generate multiple errors, while still remaing seprate from other threads.

Time Saving Abilities:
Everyone has had their system crash whilst editing a document that had not yet been saved. Re-entering the lost data can be frustrating and time-consuming. Windows 95 eliminates this problem by causing processes to crash much earlier, significantly reducing data loss.

So, anyone can see why Windows 95 offers greater power at a greater price than any other operating system available today. So, when choosing your next operating system, remember our motto: Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.

Genesis 1

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - Let us create the Programmer in our own image; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said - You can use all the volumes and sub-volumes, but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows, or to look at it, or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to find anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that Windows was nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and also gave it to the Programmer, and he installed it.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - it was the User who gave it to me, and I installed it.
16. And God said to the User, What is this you have done? And the User said to God, It was Bill who told us to!
17. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And your software will crawl on its belly and bite the dust.
18. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.
19. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors. And you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
20. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password:
21. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

Last Human Being Without Windows 95

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." Indeed I did. Microsoft's $400 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumour. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was sombre for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $400 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offence, pal, but I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing to the company. It's embarrassing to the product. It's embarrassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95 ...For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

Are you on the Microsoft payroll? If you meet any of the following conditions then you might just be. Instead of checking your neck, check your stock options: you might be a Microsoft employee.

1. You worship Bill Gates
2. You've owned Microsoft stock since it was first issued in 1986
3. When a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh, well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts
4. You think the Support Group for People Used by Microsoft is a load of cow dung (or something worse)
5. You use the phrase "Open Standards!" when anybody else would say "Shit!"
6. The Windows 95/98 startup screen makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside
7. You frequently post to alt.fan.bill.gates
8. You frequently send flames to people who have posted on alt.os.windows95.crash.crash.crash, alt.destroy.microsoft, and alt.is.bill.gates.satan
9. You fully understand why Windows 95's Shutdown Option has to be accessed from the Start Menu
10. You think AOL/Netscape's goal is world domination
11. You beta-tested Windows 95
12. You beta-tested the Microsoft Network
13. You believe Internet Explorer's security flaws were slipped in by a crack team of Netscape programmers
14. You paid for your version of Windows 98 Second Edition
15. You've memorized all of the many Windows error messages since version 3.0
16. You named your two dogs "Bill" and "Windows"
17. You replaced your trash can with a Recycle Bin
18. You have a paid subscription to Microsoft Magazine and Slate
19. You purchased Microsoft Bob... and continue to use it
20. You keep valuable papers near your fireplace. Therefore, you are comfortable with Windows 95's "may-delete-it-at-anytime" philosophy
21. You're the Bob that Microsoft Bob was named after
22. You made the decision to change Gates 95 to Windows 95
23. The "flying Windows" screensaver was your idea
24. You asked an exterminator if they could take care of Windows 95 bugs
25. Instead of "I'd rather be fishing," your bumper sticker says, "I'd rather be writing buggy Microsoft code"
26. You know the technical difference between OLE 1.0 and OLE 2.0
27. When someone asks you if you want any java, you immediately scream "Ahhh!!" and resolve to ask your boss about your "job security."
28. You frequently ask people, "Where do you want to go today?"^TM
29. You've ever completed your income taxes while waiting for Windows 95 to boot, and didn't think anything of it
30. Your computer crashed while reading this page and you were happy about it
31. You wish the sun would set on Sun Microsystems
32. You run Solitaire more than any other program, and therefore you consider your computer a Dedicated Solitaire Engine (DSE)
33. You use the cheat codes to the Solitaire program frequently
34. Every night you dream of torturing Linus Torvalds (Linux creator)
35. You own a Cray supercomputer and run Windows NT on it
36. Every morning you say, "I pledge allegiance to the logo of the United Corporation of Microsoft. And to the stock options for which it stands, one company, under Bill, with headaches and buggy software for all."
37. Your favorite pick-up line is, "Hey baby... do you want to see a little ActiveX?"
38. When you see a web page with "Enhanced for Internet Explorer" on it, you smile
39. Everytime you see a web page with "Best viewed with Netscape" on it, you feel like killing the author and filing lawsuits against all of his relatives
40. You saw one of those "Best Viewed with Any Browser" graphics and said, "What the hell is this? It must be the product of some crazed Unix hacker"
41. You believe all of the myths on the Linux Myths Dispeller page
42. You registered the teamgates.com domain name
43. You've installed software on your home computer that prevents your children from accessing anti-Microsoft sites on the Internet (however you're okay with pornography).
44. You feel that all Anti-Microsoft websites should be censored because they are on the Internet, something Bill "invented."
45. You've set a goal to invent at least one new buzzword or acronym per day
46. You've ever been nervous because you haven't registered your Microsoft software yet.
47. Your blood pressure climbs everytime you hear about Open Source Software
48. You cussed out your child's computer teacher after she decided to install Macintoshes in the school's computer lab
49. When you write something, you insert a trademark symbol^TM after every^TM other word^TM
50. You maintain a webpage full of Microsoft-specific HTML extensions - and when you run it through a HTML validator, you get about ten million errors
51. Your child's first word was "Microsoft"
52. You own a customized version of the Bible in which all references to "God" have been changed to "Bill Gates"
53. You're on a first name basis with several members of the Justice Department
54. You've trained your parrot to say "Unix sucks!" and "All hail Chairman Bill!"
55. You own a limited edition Monopoly game in which Boardwalk is Microsoft and Jail is replaced by Justice Department Investigation
56. You moved to a larger city so you could receive a MSNBC channel
57. You've ever read an entire Microsoft program manual in one sitting
58. You've ever said, "What's good for Microsoft is good for the country!"
59. Using undocumented Microsoft "methods", you manage to single-handedly destroy the annoying International Anti-Microsoft Network. (Historical note: AMSN was mysteriously destroyed from the www.webring.org server in May of 1997. Hmmm...)
60. You believe the tray on your CD-ROM drive is actually a cup holder
61. You've spent countless hours tracking down the source of the "Microsoft Acquires Vatican Church" rumor
62. You consider Ralph Nader, Janet Reno, Joel Klein, and Orrin Hatch to be your "mortal enemies"
63. You think GW-BASIC (or QBasic, QuickBasic, Visual Basic, etc.) is better than C/C++
64. You are very similar to the boss character in the Dilbert cartoons
65. You believe that "GUI", "multitasking" and "32 bit" mean the same thing.
66. You believe the Unix kernel is just a stolen and patched version of Windows NT.
67. Your house is decorated like the "Hot Dog Stand" color scheme from Windows 3.1
68. You send "denial of service attacks" (ping storms) to anti-Microsoft websites like www.enemy.org, www.ihatebillgates.com, and www.microsoft-sucks.com
69. You refer to your boss as Godfather Gates
70. You maintain a "Support Group for People Used by the DOJ" website
71. You pass around a petition to rename Redmond to "Bill Gates City"
72. You wrote a letter to the Webster's Dictionary publishers asking them to eliminate the entries for "bug", "monopoly", and "crash". You also mention that "word", "windows", "explorer", "excel", "access", etc. are all trademarks of Microsoft and should be designated as such in the dictionary.
73. You find a way to insert the word "innovation" in every sentence you say.
74. You claim X is just Windows 2.0 ported to Unix, never mind that it has its own network protocol and starts in under a second. (Submitted by Nathan)
75. You think that paying for upgrades is worth the investment (Submitted by Eliezer Ramm)
76. You own one or more items of clothing displaying large Microsoft logos and/or slogans, and wear them proudly in public (Submitted by ?)
77. You think the bugs in your code should be called 'Security Features' (Submitted by M. Salsbury)
78. You believe Windows NT STOP errors (the "Blue Screen of Death") are intuitive, user-friendly, and helpful for troubleshooting problems. After all, they were the product of countless user-interface studies for a "next generation" operating system (Submitted by Larry Lade)
79. You use MS Internet Exploder and actually like it! (Submitted by Svartalf)
80. You own an Archimedes A3000 and torture it by feeding it Windows system files... and gleefully watch it crash! (Submitted by The Admirable Kryten)
81. If you use a Commodore Pet to test your REALLY dodgy machine code -- it is crash-proof! (Submitted by Kryten)
82. If you've ever tried to rewire a computer sound card so it makes an air raid noise every time you try to load up Netscape. (Submitted by Kryten)
83. Your monitor goes out of focus, which inspires you to make a "Blurred" screensaver (Submitted by "Jackal")
84. You try to rewire a floppy disk drive so it stores 25 MB, therefore enabling you to boot Windows from it (Submitted by "Jackal")
85. If you've ever said, "But who'd want to uninstall IE4?" (Submitted by "Digiacid")
86. If your blood pressure rises when you hear the old Win95=Mac85 joke (Submitted by "Digiacid")
87. You are also obsessive-compulsive and actually enjoy repeated rebooting (Submitted by ?)
88. You've ever asked "So you mean FreeBSD is free?" (Submitted by Declan Kelly)
89. You follow MS' technology waffling without flinching (Submitted by "Badger")
90. All the programs you write have the word "active" in them (Submitted by Scott)
91. You know that Area 51 is a secret meeting ground for Microsoft programmers and aliens for the developement of "space-age" software funded by the U.S. goverment (Submitted by Andrew)
92. You can talk like Carl Sagan on acid... "Billions and billions and billions of lines of code in Windows NT..."
93. You see nothing wrong with calling a bugfix an enhanced functionality upgrade (Submitted by Embee)
94. As a freshman, you walked into your college's networking machine room and said, "You know, this network would be so much more secure and stable if all these servers were running NT instead of Linux." (Submitted by "bofh")
95. You cannot understand why people think penguins are adorable (Submitted by Malcom)
96. You actually know if Microsoft calls it O-L-E Controls, Oh-lay Control, ActiveX, or COM this week (Submitted by Reklaw)
97. You didn't laugh when Gates got that pie in the face because it was cruel, and such an aweful waste of perfectly good pie (Submitted by Richard Salisbury)
98. You use anything to do with MS as a homepage (Submitted by Richard Salisbury)
99. You like Fvwm95 (Submitted by "LagMan") [Fvwm95 is a X window manager that behaves like Windows 95. Of course, no true Microsoft programmer would ever be caught using Unix or X. -Ed]
100. You think Hungarian Notation is cool (Submitted by "Zip")
101. You never let your hand off the mouse while using WinDoze
102. You've never used a command prompt
103. You think that Microsoft actually created most of its products, as opposed to purchasing them from other companies
104. You've never compiled a C program before (Visual C++ doesn't count)
105. You think Visual Basic is a well-designed programming language
106. You think Windows 98 is totally Y2K safe
107. You think the problem with Unix is that is has FAR too few API calls (you've never heard of "system calls")
108. You think that Microsoft created the GUI
109. You think the WinDoze 95 telnet client is neat
110. You use toilet paper that has each sheet embossed with any of these words: Netscape, Sun Microsystems, Java, OS/2, Linux, Apple, or any other alternative OS name (Submitted by John Aoki)
111. You'll forever think than you can copy a sound card with a floppy disk (Submitted by "^Lipton^")
112. You want Microsoft to become a computer manufacturer (Submitted by "^Lipton^")
113. You think that Back Orifice is a nice program from Bill and install it on your computer and give your IP address to anybody (Submitted by "^Lipton^")
114. Your male children are named, Bill I, Bill II, Bill III, etc... (Submitted by Kara Ann Murray)
115. You belive that if you run disk cleanup enough times, your computer will be completely bug-free
116. You think that a person's sexual prowess is directly proportional to the amount of memory their code needs (Submitted by "Da Fish")
117. You think Windows is superior over the Mac and all other operating systems, although you have never seen a machine that doesn't run Windows (Submitted by Charles Reiss)
118. When you leave your house to go out and you close your bedroom window, yousing "Ta Da!" or hum "The Micro$oft Sound" (Submitted by Jimbo)
119. You often say that Microsoft IIS is more secure than Apache because, "Anyone can look at the Apache source code and find bugs to exploit. Microsoft IIS is proprietary so it's better for your mission-critical operations." And you actually believe it. (Submitted by Josh Arnold)
120. You are running out of code to steal from your neighbor's Apple IIgs (Submitted by Nealio)
121. You still believe that 640k is more than you'll ever need (Submitted by TollyHo)
122. You go to the zoo armed with a rifle and head to the penguin enclosure (Submitted by Boz)
123. You spend more time re-installing your Windows software than you do actually USING your computer
124. You think the reports about Windows 95 known bug list are all a conspiriacy (Submitted by Raistlin)
125. You like to sit in front of a monitor showing "Flying Windows" screen-saver and watch it (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
126. You believe that all Microsoft programs are easy to use, and that all have "clean, consistant" interface (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
127. You are ready to fight for the idea that every day operating system crashes are absolutely normal (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
128. You don't understand the "Bad Day" videoclip, a widely distributed video clip in which an angry man severely damages a computer monitor after getting mad (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
129. You think that Bill is a real programmer
130. You set the clock of your PC one year back so that the release of Windoze 2000 would still happen in the year 2000 (Submitted by Barefoot Nick)
131. You don't mind re-installing your software twice a month (Submitted by Ed)
132. You think VB is the answer to every programmer's dreams
133. You wear a different M$ T-shirt every day
134. Your software patches cost $90
135. You cash in your stock options, and speed off in your Z3 while RMS and ESR slug away at each other.
136. The MUDF term (Microsoft Undocumented Design Feature) sounds like a reasonable explation for 'End Task' window.
137. You think the Justice Department is banning Windows because it's just too good. (Submitted by Tortito)
138. You curse when you hear the "computerese" term, "bloat"
139. If you don't see any parallels between Orwellian control concepts and Microsoft marketing
140. The 'Windows' key is useful in daily computer tasks. [Actually, in the X Window System it's generally possible to redefine the Windows keys to something useful. Of course, if you're using X you're probably not a Microsoft employee anyways. -- The Editor]
141. You don't question the MSN bill you receive thirty days after the first time you turned on your computer
142. You argue that crashes and reboots are actually GOOD for your computer (Submitted by Mumbai Miasma)
143. You paid for the domain name ihate.netscape.linux.and.macs.com/
144. You won't watch BBC programs because someone uses a "Mac" every time it rains.
145. You were fired for visiting the Linux pavillion at Comdex.
146. GNU is your idea of Hell. (Submitted by Cheng H. Lee)
147. You try to log on to a Linux box using CTRL+ALT+DELETE.
148. You believe the chain letter that says that Microsoft merged with Disney and Bill Gates is really going to give away a free trip to Disney World
149. You suggest that Microsoft start making cars
150. You went on strike when they tried to make you write Internet Explorer 4.5 for the Mac
151. You believe that the Y2K bug was created by angry Linux users.
152. You say, "I am one of the best VB programmers. I think that Windows NonsTop is the best platform for developers."
153. You believe that Bill's statement "Microsoft is not in the business of fixing bugs" is actually a good policy
154. You paid $6,000.00 to become an MCSE, but don't really know what telnet/ftp/nslookup/ping/traceroute is or does (Submitted by Christopher Anderson)
155. You train to become an MCSE because you think it will make people respect you (When in reality, they're slapping their foreheads and wondering how much longer they have to deal with the clueless MCSE.)
156. You paid $89 to upgrade Windows 98 to "2nd Edition," which contains no other additions apart from IE5
157. You think that someone should bomb Netscape because of it going open source
158. You fully believe every word that is written in the Microsoft magazine (Submitted by Romeo Baggio)
159. You believe Visual Studio is the one and only best developing tool in the world (Submitted by Romeo Baggio)
160. You fully believe the hype written in every Microsoft product user guide that the product will 'increase your productivity' and that it is 'more stable' (Submitted Bill Geeks)
161. You really hate it when Bugs Bunny cheats Elmer FUD (Submitted by Idan Sofer)
162. You ran across one of the Linux CD giveaways currently semi-popular on the net... and became violently ill. (Submitted by Elros tar-Minyatur)
163. You happen across ESR's annotated version of the "Halloween Memo" and spend three hours reading it, alternately laughing in disbelief and shouting out counterarguments. (Submitted by Elros tar-Minyatur)
164. You believe the most effective way to solve a bug is to reboot (Submitted by conjuror)
165. You don't know the definition of the term "user friendly" (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
166. Mysterious random movements from your new USB M$ Semi-Intellimouse close all your applications before you got a chance to finish that last line of code. (Submitted by razer)
167. Some of your friends frustrate you to no end when they act sarcastic while you describe the joys and benefits of Micro$oft operating systems and apps. (Submitted by razer)
168. You are infected with a rare form of Microdyslexia that causes you to hear "Global Domination" as "Nation of Bob". (Submitted by razer)
169. You look forward to cold-booting your NT workstation each morning so that it will run OK. (Submitted by Tom)
170. You think shop.microsoft.com has good deals. (Submitted by "Sj12fn")
171. You keep repeating the phrase "Microsoft was built on the vision of a computer on every desk in every home, we have never wavered from that vision..." (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
172. You automatically associate Unix with Xenix (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
173. You compulsively use the word 'producti(s||z)e' (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
174. You would pay $5,000.00 to visit Bill@home (Submitted by Ace)
175. You'd like to shoot all of the WINE developers for "stealing" all your nice (buggy) code (Submitted by Ace)
176. The Windows Blue Screen is permanently burnt into your screen (Submitted by Ace)
177. You thank God that Office 2000 crashes only ten times a day on average (Submitted by Jozef Boros)
178. You call all of the many bugs in your code "features", including the ones that stop your program from even starting. You send such code to Bill, who congratulates you on making code that is less buggy than Win95's. (Submitted by Bob)
179. You can't understand how Mac users survive with only one button on their mouse.
180. You have framed those 5.25" floppies that Windows 1.0 came on
181. You recode i+=4; as i=i+1; i=i+1; i=i+1; if(i==i) i=i+1; because quality is proportional to code length (Submitted by Bero)
182. You're actually a Linux fan and creating all those nice bugs to push Windows out of the market (Submitted by Bero)
183. You know all the INT 21 functions, but don't use them (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
184. NT actually means "New Technology" to you (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
185. You're still looking for the 'any' key (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
186. You think that a talking paperclip is a good example of how much we are evolved from the times of the first computers (Submitted by Jaime Herazo B.)
187. You've filed for a restraining order against the BSD daemon, which was denied (Submitted by Silaron)
188. ...Then the BSD daemon filed for a restraining order against you, which was approved (Submitted by Silaron)
189. You think that MS Windows is no more expensive than Linux because Windows comes with the computer (Submitted by Jonathan Smith)
190. You've ever said, "but rebooting it is half the fun." (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
191. You've ever said, "Come on, the fun is in not knowing when it'll crash next!" (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
192. You like the fact that FrontPage makes your website incompatible with other browsers (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
193. You can call him, "Good ole honest Bill!", and not feel that you've lied (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
194. You can't imagine why anyone would want to select more than 1 WORD file from Explorer and have them print in background (Submitted by ole_jim)
195. You laugh when you realize the 'Suspend' icon really means 'lockup'
196. Encouraged a company lawsuit against Google for returning the Microsoft homepage as the number one link when searching for "more evil than Satan himself"
197. You think the blue screen of death would make a good screen saver (Submitted by Adragan)
198. You think of purposely making bugs as opportunities to charge people for bug fixes down the road (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
199. You receive a bunch of complaints about MSN billing problems and ignore them
200. You remove all the bookmarks from your books, and insert your favorite folders (Submitted by zodiac_fest)
201. You understand the difference between the "My Documents", "Favorites", "Personal", "My Files", and "MyFiles" folders (Submitted by Prometheus)
202. You're going to bomb Washington, D.C. because the Justice Department declared Microsoft a monopoly (Submitted by AFree87)
203. You think Macintosh and Xerox had nothing to do with the development of Windoze technology (Submitted by Master Ivan)
204. You honestly believe that Windoze is an easier system to use than Mac (Submitted by Master Ivan)
205. you still think Windoze is an operating system, not just a huge plugin for MS-DOS (Submitted by Master Ivan)
206. You feel more secure knowing that Microsoft can trace any file created on your machine back to you (Submitted by Master Ivan)
207. Everytime you lose an argument with a Mac Owner on the relative performance of the two machines, you always fall back on the "Popularity" argument (Submitted by Master Ivan)
208. You and your family sit and watch the Flying Windows
209. You belive STDIN, STDOUT, and STDERR are out-dated fads (Submitted by Ktohg)
210. ...You have no clue what STDIN, STDOUT, and STDERR are! (Submitted by Ktohg)
211. You happily recode a case statement with a long series of if..elses after your program crashes mysteriously (Submitted by Bill)
212. You believe the term 'innovation' means 'reverse engineering' (Submitted by Bill)
213. You're disappointed that Windows 2000 will not have any Easter Eggs (Submitted by Donna Watson)
214. You think monopolies are good for the economy (Submitted by Cl0vis15)
215. You call all of your shrinks "Dr. Watson" (Submitted by Fata)
216. You always hit the Alt-F-S key combination five times after typing in a single character of code (just in case Dr. Watson will get mad).
217. You understand why white-on-white is the best pointer / background colour combination (Submitted by Ben Ebn)
218. You use the windows 95 illegal operation box as your windows desktop wallpaper (Submitted by WinCrasher)
219. You can tell the differnce bettween NT (crashes a lot), 95 (crashes all the time) and 98 (lucky if it starts). (Submitted by Modge)
220. The only time you have ever used the command prompt is to install Windows 95/98 (Submitted by Lurch)
221. You put unnescessary loops in your code that have comments in them saying "This loop does nothing but waste time and space so they have to pay us more" (Submitted by "The Guy Who Typed This")
222. Your AOL screen name is BGatesWanaBe (Submitted by Mike Sorrell)
223. Your neighbors hate you, your dog bites you, the CIA is tracking you, and you've been blamed on more than one occassion for such disasters as World War II, the Edsel, and worst of all... MS-DOS!
224. You think Bill Gates was America's first President (Submitted by Windows Basher)
225. You believe that Windows is complicated and bloated because it has so many security features (Submitted by Mark)
226. You dream about purchasing Windows 2000 hoping it will eliminate "error" and "illegal operation" messages (Submitted by Geraldine Towers)
227. When you get the message "Illegal Operation" you feel that enough hasn't been done to enforce Microsoft Policies in the world (Submitted by Mike)
228. You make your APPLE sauce with only MACINTOSH apples because you love crushing and then eating them.
229. You know what the (I)gnore button is for
230. You've set Word's autocorrect feature so that "C" is changed to "Microsoft Visual C++ (C) Microsoft Corporation 2000" (Submitted by Matthew Platts)
231. You've never played Quake because it's OpenGL based (Submitted by lionheart)
232. You still think that penguins are stupid animals (Submitted by lionheart)
233. You still think that debugging a program is keeping the disk away from roaches. (Submitted by lionheart)
234. You know all of the stack dump (i.e. "this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down") details by heart.
235. You haven't laughed at any of the above
236. You still haven't laughed

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

Submitted by Bryce Nesbitt.

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997

In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.