Lawyers

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest
were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a
small private plane. Suddenly, the plane
developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot,
the plane started to go down. Finally, the
pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the
passengers that they had better jump, and
bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes
remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm
a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and
jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers
are the smartest people in the world. I deserve
to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said,
"My son, I've lived a long and full life. You
are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the
priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The
'smartest man in the world' just took off with
my back pack."

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the
same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.


Q: How do attorneys sleep?
A: First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other.


Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.


Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder; one to shake it; and one to sue the
ladder company.


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salespeople look good.


Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.


Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.


Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.


Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.


Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.