Family Jokes

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking
nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to
the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made
you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son,
who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can
do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?
It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total
was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a
few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face.  "Why do you do
that mommy?"  he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who
then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.
"Giving up?"

A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons.
A passerby asks her how old the boys are.
"The doctor is three" the mother answers, "and the lawyer is two."

Two ladies, who hadn't seen each other in
quite some time, met at the supermarket.

"How are you, Helen?"

"Fine."

"And your husband?"

"Oh, Karl died two weeks ago."

"What?! I hadn't heard. What happened?"

"He went out in the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and fell over, dead."

"I'm sorry. What did you do?"

"Opened a can of corn instead."

Subject: Aging by George Carlin


You have to read this to the end!!! Aging by George Carlin

Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half.

You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16!"

You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony...

YOU BECOME 21  ...YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound
like bad milk.  He TURNED, we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's
changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30... then
you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa!

Put on the brakes, It's all slipping away!!!

Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone.

But wait, you MAKE IT to 60.  You didn't think you would!

So you:
  BECOME 21
  TURN 30
  PUSH 40
  REACH 50
  and
  MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you...  Hit 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing;
You HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle:
You HIT lunch
You TURN 4:30
You REACH bedtime.
My grandmother won't even buy green bananas!  It's an investment, you
know, and maybe a bad one!!
And it doesn't end there...
Into the 90s, you start going backwards:
"I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it (healthily) to 100 and a half!

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a
taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid
into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"
the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a
cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a
few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete.
He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could
golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like
a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all
about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood
blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

It's my birthday next month, so here's a few
hints for presents.....

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:  When in doubt - buy him a cordless
   drill. It does not matter if he already
   has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and
   he has yet to complain. As a man, you can
   never have too many cordless drills. No
   one knows why.

Rule #2:  If you cannot afford a cordless
   drill, buy him anything with the word
   ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying
   those two words.
   "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"
   "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my
   3/8-inch socket yet?"
   Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:  If you are really, really broke,
   buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent
   ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer
   or something to hang from his rear view
   mirror, like those air freshner thingys.
   Men love gifts for their cars. No one
   knows why.

Rule #4:  Do not buy men socks. Do not buy
   men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I
   was told that if God had wanted men to
   wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented
   Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:  You can buy men new remote controls
   to replace the ones they have worn out. If
   you have a lot of money buy your man a
   big-screen TV with the little picture in
   the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips,
   and flips, and flips channels. - It'll keep
   him busy for hours.

Rule #6:  Do not buy any man industrial-sized
   canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm
   told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7:  Buy men label makers. They are almost
   as good as cordless drills. Within a couple
   of weeks there will be labels absolutely
   everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers.
   Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one
   knows why.

Rule #8:  Never buy a man anything that says
   "some assembly required" on the box. It
   will ruin his Special Day and he will
   always have parts left over.

Rule #9:  Good places to shop for men include
   Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home
   Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and
   Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears'
   Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
   stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't
   know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must
   be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a
   starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
   Thanks."

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they
   never cook-but they will barbecue. Get him
   a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
   tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the
   thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a football game are a
   smart gift. However, he will not appreciate
   tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
   Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy
   a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know
   why-please refer to Rule #8 and what happens
   when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good
   wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.
   Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must
   be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back
   to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy
   Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
   feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up  she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself,  "Oh No, not my Uncle...  he's an nutcase!"

She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

25 THINGS YOU WILL LEARN IN 50 YEARS OF LIVING

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

A Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com --

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist --
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so!!

Alarm clock: a device to wake people who have no children!

At a certain age, a man's hair starts to grow inwards. If it strikes grey matter it turns grey. If it doesn't strike anything it disappears!

It is true that children brighten a home. They never turn the lights off.

It is also true that TV causes violence. Whenever I turn it up too high, someone clouts me!

He was madly in love with her, but he couldn't pluck up the courage to propose. At last he decided to try over the phone. "Darling, will you marry me?" "Of course I will, you silly boy! Who is speaking?"

"Why didn't you say you'd marry him?" "Well he said he'd die if I didn't and I'm just curious..."

How do you stop your wife from getting nervous? Tell her it's a sign of advancing age!

I finally worked out why babies suck their thumbs. I tried some baby food.

Written in an essay about parents: "We get our parents so old that it's very difficult to change their ways."

Insanity is hereditary. Parents get it from their children.

"If you eat any more, son, you'll explode!" "Yes Dad. Pass the cake and stand back!"

"You dance beautifully!" "I wish I could say the same for you!" "You could, if you were as big a liar as I am..."

You can tell you're getting old when your children study in history what you used to study in current affairs.

"My wife has been nursing a grouch all week!"
"Been sick, have you?"

"Dad, how do they catch lunatics?" "With lipstick, beautiful dresses and pretty smiles!"

"Dad, why aren't men allowed to marry twice?" "Son, as you grow up, you'll see that the law protects those unable to protect themselves..."

"A lot of people are going to be miserable when I finally decide who to marry!" "Why, how many people are you going to marry?"

Why is nature referred to as a woman? Because they can't find out her age!

"You look like a sensible girl. Will you marry me?"
"No way. I'm quite as sensible as I look!"

After hearing about how God created Eve, a little boy came in holding a pain in his side and told his mother, "I think I'm going to have a wife..."

Here is the full story of the most unfortunate person in the world: