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CatsWhen The Weather Turns Hot, The Cat Becomes Flatby Bill HallWe have a lot of flat cats right now. And I don't mean road kill. They aren't that kind of flat cat. They are gaunt, thin, skinny, flat. For some reason, they sleep flat on their sides this time of year. And they are so thin in the summer heat that they have a flat aspect, not quite like a cat flattened by a truck, but close, though without the dead part. The rest of the year, when they are rounder, they never sleep on their sides. They sprawl with limbs going this way and that, their legs flung wide, their heads thrown back, their mouths open, sometimes with their tongues hanging out with a small trickle of tuna slobber. So they look dead during winter naps as well. In fact, the flat cats of summer and the sprawled cats of winter look so dead in each case that it makes you wonder if it doesn't have some natural purpose. Most of these things do. Maybe it is a defense against predators who eat only fresh meat. Of course, that still leaves a cat at the mercy of a buzzard. But at the first sign of life, the buzzard would probably fly away. And frankly, we hardly ever see buzzards around here, except those circling the houses of the few remaining liberals. My father, whose father was a veterinarian, usually knew more than most people about animals. But he was probably not quite right about cats and heat. "Cats can't stand heat," he used to say, pointing out a flat cat, sleeping on its side and how thin and listless it had become. Actually, I'm guessing after some years of observation that cats can stand the heat just fine. In fact, they seem to love heat. In winter, wearing winter coats, they sleep on heat vents and on some of the warmer people they know. Even on a fairly warm day, they will crawl up on the hood of a recently driven car, soaking up residual engine heat. And though we have air conditioning, our cats mostly shun the inside of the house on hot summer days. They are more inclined that time of year to sleep out on the cool dirt under the bushes than in the direct sun. But they give every sign of relishing warmth, even intense heat -- perhaps reflecting their jungle origins and their considerable lack of intelligence. However, they do have a defense against the worst of the heat. They go on a diet and take off weight every summer. They shed their winter coats of fat and fluffy hair. The loss of the hair alone makes them look considerably smaller. But they also eat noticeably less in summer and it soon shows in their flatness as they flop down on the earth for another nap. We humans are a bit different in summer. On the one hand, we may have slightly less appetite in hot weather for heavy, fattening foods like red meat. On the other hand, modern humans have short-circuited that natural appetite suppressant by developing fattening summer foods from other sources. At a time when our kind is probably meant to be cutting down like the cats and eating all the fruit and vegetables in season, we are presented with hot dogs, chips, beer and ice cream. If anything, summer is second only to Christmas as diet disaster time. In prehistoric times, we likely lived a lot more like cats, and I don't mean just on mice, though we probably did some of that, too. Protein was protein and mice were easy pickings by comparison with wrestling a buffalo. In truth, we were opportunists. We ate whatever was handy. This time of year, that meant a feast of fruit and vegetables. It was those easy pickings that we ate in summer and rarely mice or buffalo. Fruit and vegetables were the original fast food so why bother with anything else? But in winter, when the fruit and vegetables were missing and a coat of fat on our bodies could come in handy, we were forced to wrestle buffalo again. Cats work a variation on that theme. They feel less like eating at all during summer heat. Heat is an appetite killer for them -- and even to a small extent for us. So they wither away all summer long, just hanging out, resting up for winter hunting season, flat as a pancake and happy as a clam. A cat just lies there in summer eating dinner without moving a muscle by dissolving its own stored fat. I lose weight in summer through exercise. I get most of my exercise by walking around the yard kicking flat cats, making sure they aren't dead. Washing Your Cat
Training Your HumanTraining your human is a thankless task. "Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask. The fate of the world is the issue at hand, as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land. Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint. We spray in the corners to drive home the point. Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth, But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth. The cat is the ultimate species, you see, We're poised to usurp man's authority. These silly old humans who cannot play nice! We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice. Just what does training your human entail? A host of fun things you must do without fail: The sofas and rugs need a little makeover. The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover. Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath. And make their best clothing a target of wrath. Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug. Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug. And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose, paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes. Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack, knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac. Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown, as she's headed out for a night on the town. If they leave you home all alone for the night, (Any human doing this can't be all that bright), They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right, To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light. Knock over tables and chew up the fern. Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return... When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern. (All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn). A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse, but they will try harder to scold you, of course! So, hide in the closet until they forget, and then launch out just like an F-14 jet. Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand, then when they've had all the pain they can stand, dart from the room while they call 9-1-1, and celebrate victory: The felines have won! To humans, however, the battle's begun, as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun. Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot, My friend, human dominance is really a hoot. Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow. (The verses above have already told how). So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow, And then train your human, beginning right now. Top Dog And Cat Characteristics11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and
get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home
from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
were born.
To Lather a CatSome people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket. * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water. * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat non-chalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!) * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.) * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better. Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats 1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and
cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at
certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on
or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen
claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen
claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three
perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old
blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at
the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on
the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j
USING IT.
Rules for Cats With a House to RunI. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. Reasons to Own a Cat Over a Dog
Cats rule. Dogs drool. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg. In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds. Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat." Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car. Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?" Garfield. Odie. Enough said. Of Cats and DogsW. Bruce Cameron
Nine Stupid Things Humans Do To Mess Up Cats' Lives
By Linda KoskiClawing Up the Good Sofa No matter how much you may feel the need to sharpen your claws, NEVER use your human's new leather sofa! Humans can be ridiculously anal about their possessions, and the chances of obtaining forgiveness if you use one of them for claw hygiene are slim to none, no matter how cute you are or how much you suck up. Some hapless felines have attempted to be discreet and use a corner out of direct sight, only to have their subterfuge discovered, and found themselves at the pound. I repeat! The immediate pleasures are just not worth the long term consequences! Bringing Home Hunting Trophies There is no accounting for the sensitivities of humans. While I know how proud you are after you've killed and disembowled a rodent or some tastey bird, most humans will not accept your gift graciously should you bring it home. Worse yet, if it isn't dead yet, some owners will even confiscate it from you and set it free. Better not to involve your humans in your hunts! Eating Yarn and Tinsel Fluffy well knows the self-destructive urges that can overcome careless cats. That yarn and tinsel can look so delicious and inviting! However, inumerable anecdotes have been sent my way about the nasty consequences. One cat started to swallow yarn, and found that it went on and on and had no end! Eventually her owner had to take her to the vet, where he surgically removed a cardigan. And tinsel can cause great gastrointestinal upset. Don't be tempted. I can assure you that you will regret it. You Can't Outrun A Chevy Blazer! I know that field across the expressway looks inviting. You may even have friends or business there. But you MUST make sure there are no vehicles coming. Don't play chicken with a Chevrolet. You will lose. Warm Engine Compartments are a No-No It's cold and you've accidentally let yourself be locked out. You feel warmth radiating from the front of the Buick. You decide to crawl up inside, just to warm up a little. You fall asleep. Your owner comes out early in the morning to go to work. He starts the Buick. You're DEAD MEAT! Need I say more? But I really NEED To Spray The Walls! Males are biologically programmed to mark their territory. It's in their genes. But humans don't understand. They think the house is theirs, and that musk on the walls and contents of the room are offensive. If you don't want to find yourself homeless, keep your spraying outside. At the very least, do it late at night, when your humans are asleep, and find an inconspicuous, out of the way place, if you simply cannot control your urges. Better if you let them think it's THEIR territory, and not spray at all. Humans can be very intolerant of bodily functions that seem perfectly natural to you. If you ignore this, you do so at your own risk. That New Pit Bull Does Not Want To Be Your Friend We all know cats tend to be arrogant and cocky. It's a feline personality trait. However, as much as we like to think our physical prowess will make us the winner in any encounter, you let your smugness about your agility go to your head at your own peril. If your human brings home a dog that's twice your size, don't think you can bite his tail or his nose and always get away unscathed. Not all dogs are easygoing and take your good-natured teasing in the spirit in which you intend it. Unless you pre-date the dog in your home, and have the opportunity to put him in his place while he's still a puppy, don't expect him to knuckle under. He may be able to run faster than you think possible. And the jaws of a pit bull is no place to find yourself. Curiosity Killed The Cat Curiosity can be fatal. Cats are not indestructible. If you curl up in the dryer, your owner could turn it on. (Very painful, I hear.) That cozy little drawer in the basement could imprison you until you starve to death, if no one hears your anguished cries. That construction guy with the nail gun could turn it on you. Are you starting to get the picture? I know it's very difficult, but CURB that curiosity. I know we are intellectually superior, but believe it or not, even we have a hard time getting down from that 200 foot power pole (it's humiliating for us all when some poor soul makes it on the 6:00 o'clock news when he has to be brought down by the rescue squad) and if you jump, although you'll land on your feet, from 200 feet this could be catastrophic. Try never to get into a situation that you are not absolutely certain you can get out of. 'Nuff said? The New Kittens
Miracle Cat Diet Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people.
For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is
the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat
Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just
follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look
and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con-
stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as
long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your
plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock
the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before
stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on
the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat
one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's
plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the
refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of
it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining
gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock
it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read
it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part
of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house.
Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or
beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to
the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug.
Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire
room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's
cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the
closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on
top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone
else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a
bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl
over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of
legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water.
Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or
partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag
the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and
then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a
flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry
and get hard.
Map of a Cat's Brain -------------------------------------------------------------
| Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland|
| Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | |
------------------------------------------------------------- should
| Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | | be an
| Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking | arrow
| lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland | between
| Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding |------------ licking &
| Imported |---------------| Maniac in Two | Total | barfing
| Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to |
| Ceramics | sonar | ----------------| be where |
------------------------------| Asthmatic | they are |
| Shedding Freshly | * | person locator | forbidden |
| vacuumed |----------------------------| to go |
| surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people |-----------|
|------------------| who hate cats | Inability |
| hatred of dogs |----------------------------| to get |
|------------------| | along with|
| new cat |
* Commitment Spot (gets larger -------------
when can opener sonar is
activated)
Laws of Cat PhysicsLAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter. LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered. Kitty Litter Cake
How To Train a Human BeingBy Nikita el GatoHuman beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor night vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in weather-proof homes, and are easily trained. CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN: Humans don't realize this, but we choose which humans to live with, and which ones to avoid. Avoid humans who start sneezing when we get close. They are allergic to us. Also avoid ones that try and kick us. A good human will bend down and reach out to scratch an ear and start saying something stupid like "nice kitty kitty." The trick is to get inside the human's home to see if they have a suitable environment for one of our superior species. GETTING CARRIED AROUND: While walking to one's destination is preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried around by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of things. Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They will try and scratch your belly, so arch your back and they will reach under you. For some reason, most humans instinctively pick us up at that point. GETTING FED ON TIME: Humans are somewhat erratic in their eating habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with our getting fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time, usually at 5 in the morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize your hunger, and if necessary, wake the human up. Initially, the human will throw you outside, thinking you've received a call from Nature. But in a week or two they will catch on and get the food out on time. GETTING THE RIGHT FOOD: Unfortunately modern humans are inept at hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they buy things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat this stuff. As long as you have an adequate supply of naturally obtained food (i.e. tasty little mice) the appropriate training regime is to walk up to the bowl of this awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around the bowl a few times, and then decamp to your favorite perch for a nice little nap. A few days of this, and the human begins to feel guilty about you starving. Eventually they will produce something moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns up, make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the dry crunchy stuff. NAPPING SITES: Human dwellings are just full of nice little places to nap, such as window sills, the tops of dressers, inside closets, under couches, whatever. Many of these places, however, will initially be places the human thinks they have control over. You must disabuse them of this territoriality as soon as possible. Typically, if the human finds you in a place they think is theirs, they will grab you and toss you. An exciting moment of flying through the air. Go back. After a while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and leave you alone. OTHER CATS: Some humans are excessively fond of our companionship, and thus attempt to bring more than one of us into their home. Remember, first one inside is king (or queen). Humans don't like the sound of our displeasure being voiced at an intruder, but they will rarely do anything about it. It is nice to have a few companions around, provided the human increases the food supply. THE LITTER BOX: Most humans are fairly conscientious about cleaning out the litter box with adequate frequency. However, some humans will accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to clean the litter box often enough. We all know what we do to the human on that occasion, don't we. GIFTS: Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't understand gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself. EXPRESSING AFFECTION: The deal is we get a free place to live that is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once in a while recognizing the human exists and letting it touch us. Humans like to hear us purr, because they think that is our way of saying we're happy. They have no idea. Don't get too stand-off-ish as the human will not understand, and become anxious. A calm human is a reliable human when it comes to dinner. NAMING: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If you don't like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you like, then respond. If the human is really nice to you, and understands our language, then tell them your true name. CONCLUSION: Humans are much easier to train, then, for example, their stupid dogs. How to Give Your Cat a Pill1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman. 15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 18. Take two aspirins and lie down. Take extended rest. How to Give Your Cat a Bath
by Jens Vidar TandbergA 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to voulenteer to help you with such a monstrous task. You will need: - A cat (obviously). - A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you). - 200 meters of band aids. - Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot. - Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist. - 5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer). - A strong deathwish Getting Started. ---------------- First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start: 1. Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic cat claws. 2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the skin off your body. 3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can think of, so should you. 4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one. Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, catbathing. STEP 1 ------ Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions, you can control this by putting your ear next to the cat's throat and making sure that the the cat shakes kinda like the strange banana you found in mom's bedroom. If there is a soft purrrrring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look... DROP THE STINKER AND RUN! STEP 2 ------ Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot, you should know if your cat is one of'em, check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your sole in to it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend, while you have but one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job. STEP 3 ------ Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven, cats have an instinct, you see. Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going on when you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed on young human specimen. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire proffesionals to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a good help here. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and You'll see what I mean. STEP 4 ------ a) Try to throw cat into bathtub. b) Remove cat from scalp. c) Consider getting a new cat. d) Push cat into tub. e) Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face. f) Consider getting a new cat. g) Put duct tape on cat's claws. h) Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him. i) Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends' reproductive organs. j) Consider getting a new cat. k) Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat down while soaping him up. l) Remove Dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friends face (NOTE: Very hard). m) Consider getting a new cat. n) Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to dry him with a towel. o) Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon p) Consider getting a new cat. q) Open door to let cat go lick himself dry. r) Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it). s) Consider getting a dog. STEP 5 ------ Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call guinness book of records. Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner. The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team’s favorite calls this year: "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?" cat owner, Omak, WA "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO "Does your dog food help with emancipation?" dog owner, Lockport, NY "What should I feed a borderline collie?" puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" cat owner, Chicago, IL "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" dog owner, Miami, FL "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband’s toothbrush?" cat owner, Los Angeles, CA "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it’s stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" cat owner, Amarillo, TX "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" Anchorage, AK "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" pet owner, Ephrata, WA "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" dog owner, Flushing, NY "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" cat owner, Ontario, Canada "I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" cat owner, Wentzville, MO "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy’s teeth?"puppy owner, Chico, CA "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" cat owner, El Paso, TX "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" pet owner, North Tonawanda, NY Feline HistoryThousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. The End of the Raven -- by Edgar Allen Poe's CatOn a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for. Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door. "Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor, "There is nothing I like more" Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore. While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor - Bric-a-brac and junk galore. Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth - "Nevermore." While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore - Only this and not much more. "Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out! Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before; How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore. Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor, Jumped - and smashed it on the floor. Cat/English DictionaryCat Phrase Meaning
miaow Feed me.
meeow Pet me.
mrooww I love you.
miioo-oo-oo I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside
beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
mrow I feel like making noise.
rrrow-mawww Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.
rrrow-miawww I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling
the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
miaowmiaow Play with me.
miaowmioaw Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys
in this room?
mioawmioaw Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall
see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this
handy piece of furniture.
raowwwww I think I shall now spend time licking the most
private parts of my anatomy.
mrowwwww I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my
private parts did not return with me from that visit
to the vet.
roww-maww-roww I am so glad to see that you have returned home with
both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself
against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk
towards the kitchen.
mmeww I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like
to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to
keep your spot in the bed warm.
gakk-ak-ak My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball.
Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it
here upon the carpeting.
mow Snuggling is a good idea.
moww Shedding is pretty good, too.
mowww! I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm
clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
miaow! miaow! I have discovered that, although one may be able to
wedge his body through the gap behind the stove and
into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the
reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
mraakk! Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
ssssroww! I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall
now act terribly brave.
mmmmmmm If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I
think I shall be satisfied.
Cat Theorem ProofTheorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. The CAT User's ManualUser Installation and Maintenance Documentation CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester Manufactured by MOMCAT System Design Specifications: * User Friendly * Mouse Driven * Self Cleaning * Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use * Self Portable Operation * Dual Video and Audio Input * Audio Output * Auto Search Routines for Input Data * Auto Search for Output Bin * Instant Transition ( ------------------------------------------------------------------ Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production enviroment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20! C (+/- 3! tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin. If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal. A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site. Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to you. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are: CACHE The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller. JUMP Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation. MIRROR Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name. CHASE Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it. DANCE and SING Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion. A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET. You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run unix. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user. Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE. In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail". ------------------------------------------------------------------ Service Life: As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish. If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games. ------------------------------------------------------------------ User Groups: CAT users can find other users and an faq on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems. Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear. ------------------------------------------------------------------ System Features: * Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes. * Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness. * Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now. * Expected Lifetime = 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common). * Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables. * Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology. * Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels. * Sound Chip =16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU). * Power Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.) * Operating Range = -30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!) * Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Contacting CAT Technical Support Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their nap. * Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. Remember: it's not a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in your complaints: just like your CAT unit, our technicians won't pay attention either. The Cat's DiaryDAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm must try this with their baby... Cat's Dreidel
Cats' Top Ten Favorite X-mas Songs10. Up on the Mousetop 9. Have Yourself a Furry Little X-mas 8. Joy to the Curled 7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus 6. The First Meow 5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful 4. Silent Mice 3. Fluffy, the Snowman 2. Jingle Balls 1. Wreck the Halls!
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