Y2K Jokes

Confusion about Y2K

Dear Boss,

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Y to K Conversion

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

January, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December


Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.

Y2K and Mickey Mouse

by Mike and Evan Morton
(to the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song")

What's the buzzword for the bug 
That ends the century? 
  Y-2-K !  Y-2-K !  P-A-N-I-C! 

Come along, and join the throng 
and raid the grocery 
  D-I-S  T-U-R  B-A-N-C-E 

Beans and rice and spam (and guns!) 
Are all we need to be 
  S-U-R  V-I-V  A-L-I-S-T 

Your box won't boot, so join the suit 
against the industry: 
  M-A-L  P-R-A  C-T-I-C-E 

What will work and what will crash? 
It's all a mystery! 
  P-R-E  D-I-C  A-M-E-N-T 

No more water, gas, or cash 
or electricity 
  C-A-T  A-S-T  R-O-P-H-E 

Life gets nasty, brutish, short 
and poor as it can be 
  A-P-O  C-A-L  Y-P-T-I-C 

Y2K (make a buck!), Y2K (make a buck!), 
Watch how consulting fees are raised up high! 
  High! High! High! 

How did this whole mess occur 
and bring such misery? 
  P-R-O (oh, sure, two digits is enough) 
  G-R-A (airborne at midnight? good luck!) 
  M-M-I-N-G ! 

Y2K Hairspray

Imagine waking up on January 1, 2000, to find that not only does your computer not work, but that your hairdo looks like something out of the 1900's. This could destroy your ability to work and cause serious personal and financial upheaval. In order to avoid this potentially devastating scenario, the Fetal Baboon company has developed a Y2K Hair Spray.

Andrei De'Ber, spokesman for Fetal Baboon, claims that their new Y2K Hair Spray will "make sure that your hair is Y2K compliant." Said De'Ber, "Your hair is incapable of telling what the date is. That is why there are still some men and women who have outdated hairstyles from the late sixties and early seventies. This has not been a problem because we are still in the 20th century. However, when we enter the 21st century men and women who have non-Y2K compliant hairstyles could face serious troubles. If they don't do something now then their lives could be like Armageddon."

Fetal Baboon's new Y2K Hair Spray will automatically 'download' a Y2K compliant hair style by simply spraying the product on to your existing hairdo. There is no mess and no worries. People who use this new Y2K Hair Spray will have the ability to enter the millennium with confidence. Y2K Hair Spray should be available in your local stores by mid-March.

Restaurant Y2K

You own a restaurant - a really fancy, big-name restaurant. You make boodles of money, because famous people come eat at your restaurant, the word gets around... besides, you trained at one of those big fancy French schools for cooks, so you've paid your dues. And you're Greek, that helps....

Now, being a big fancy restaurant, you've got lots of bills to pay; food stocks, payroll, utility bills, and of course insurance. Big bill, that damn insurance, because being a big fancy restaurant, everyone and their mother sues you every time they trip over the edge of a rug, or burn their arm reaching over the candle on the table, or (glub forbid) wind up with food poisoning.

But your insurance company pays.... they'd rather negotiate on those nuisance lawsuits than spend the time, and money, in court. Of course, your bill keeps going up and up, and up.... But hey, that's one of the costs of doing business, and being a big fancy restaurant, you understand and live with it.

Now, you receive a letter from your insurance company, explaining a new wrinkle in the process. You check around, and all your other friends who own their own big fancy restaurants, and even the ones with smaller joints, have received similar letters. The insurance companies are explaining, in advance, about a claim that they will NOT be paying, so don't even bother sending it in. They expect many restaurants, at the end of the year, will be experiencing a problem with their walk-in refrigerator and freezer units, and they will not be responsible for the spoilage due to this problem.

See where this is going yet?

That's right folks, the insurance companies have been warning them since summer that they will not be responsible when and if the Y2K problem hits the major utilities, and power-outages become more common than cockroaches behind the stove.... well, not THIS stove, of course, because this is a big fancy restaurant.....

Now, I don't really have too much of a problem with this... they gave them over 6 months to get some kind of backup system on line, i.e. a generator or a couple tons of ice - whatever, your choice, just make sure it works... makes good business sense, for both parties.

I heard this from a relative who helps out at the big fancy restaurant from time-to-time, so I can't really verify the accuracy of his statement.... but he said the insurance companies were declaring the Y2K problem AN ACT OF GOD!!!!

The Positive Side to Y2K

	January 1, 2000

	Dear Valued Employee:
	       Re:  Vacation Pay

	Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time
	over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees
	are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time
	off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
	Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your
	next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will
	include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
	Automated Payroll Processing

An International View of Y2K

Most widely used calendars will not have any problem next year.

In many countries, next year will be 1420. When the new year starts in each of those countries will depend on where that country is relative to the International Lunar Date Lines, or on actual observation of the phase of the moon.

In Israel the next year will be 5760.

In Thailand and many other countries it will be 2543.

In Ethiopia it will be 1991.

On Java it will be 1922. (Is your browser Java enabled?)

In India the number of the next year is manifold. For Jains alone, it will be 2057 and 2527.

On Indonesian wall calendars each day's box has several date numbers and day names. In Bali it is very important to know what day it is. There are three cycles of weeks that run simultaneously: each day has a name from the 3 day week, another from the five day week, and one from the seven day week. Together, the three names name the day. The year has 210 days.

Next year will be 89 on Taiwan.

Though its number will be 2000 on government forms, a recent survey showed that almost half of the people in China, when asked, say:

Next year will be Dragon.

The Ballad of Y2K

(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."

But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. Cinderella starts receiving Bashful's subscription to "Hustler."

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star...not a thing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups  


Major Technological Breakthrough In Information Retrieval!!

Y2K-Proof your Knowledge Resource Base NOW!

Announcing the new Basic Open-standard Organized Knowledge device called BOOK. The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet powerful enough to hold as much infomiation as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called binding which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by opening it. The BOOK never crashes or needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store nurnerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunications Language Stylus (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.

Cost: Remarkably inexpensive especially considering the versatility and power of this fantastic Breakthrough in Information Retrieval.

(Our apologies for not acknowledging the originator of this. We received this copy from one of our suppliers, who could not identify the source either. BUT we agree with it wholeheartedly).


This device is the Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (PENCIL). This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing.

Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the PENCIL will require installation and setup. Tools and supplies required will be: a sharpened knife or grinding device, and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes). Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be fully exposed to properly function. Left handed readers should read this sentence backwards, and then re-read the PENCIL manual for assistance.

Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.

CAUTION: excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the PENCIL or the paper are damaged, re-install your PENCIL and start again. Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forms symbols closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use.

At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the PENCIL off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious and somewhat redundant, but with practice you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.

The PENCIL is equipped with a manual deletion device. This is located on the reverse end of the PENCIL. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entry. CAUTION: excessive force may damage the data reception device. Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.

This device is designed with ease of user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call your computer tech support person on 1-800-YOU-DUMMY.

Translated from a Latin scroll dated 2BC

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?

This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left.

I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.

You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar.

He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.

We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.

Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. Its an ill wind...

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have also heard that there are three wise men in the east who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know.



Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug", a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.

Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.

All of the tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost.

In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

"We should have seen it coming", says Brother Cedric of St.Michael's Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND' contains the word 'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion.

Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse-the Latin word for 'Thousand' is 'Mille,' which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether we're talking about time or distance!"

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the whole medieval economy into chaos.

A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.


"Two digits for a Date"
(Author Unknown)

(sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
Of the doom that is our fate,
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was much smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through nineteen-ninety-nine,"
The programmers did say.
"When we rewrite it in good time,
It all will go away.
It all will go away."

But Management had not a clue.
That does not make much sense.
Why rewrite a thing that works
At God-knows what expense?
At God-knows what expense?"

"Look at the way it works right now,
A work of art, you bet!
We will (of course) rewrite it all,
We just won't do it yet.
We just won't do it yet."

Now, when two thousand rolls around,
It all goes straight to ... well,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check,
It won't be sent to you,
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure,
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And COBOL-coders, few.)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Eight thousand years from now, I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't lamenting then
"Four digits for a date."

 Hit Counter