What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The
violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and
The dog knows when to stop
How many second violinists does it take to change a
None. They can't get up that
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp
than out of tune."
Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill
beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and
Violins don't have spit
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a
You might bend the nail.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can
play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me
like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an
autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's
not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following
helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge
demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered
hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty
How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune
his section noticed?
How many string bass players does it take to change a
None; the piano player can do
that with his left hand.
How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a
How many bass players does it take to change a light
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the
first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his
attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why?
Isn't it the same as last year?"
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the
bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says,
"Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."
The first violist turns around and shouts, "You
bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen.
After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go
and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening,
Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit
where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top
singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."
There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for
being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and
talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of
about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while
about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has
guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV
and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the
bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this
guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little
table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy
for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at the table said,
"So do you play French bow or German bow?"
Lute players spend half their time tuning their
instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard
to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until
someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a
place to put his beer.
The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a
telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward
the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Even though I'm a violist, I realize that the organ is
not a string instrument. I put the organ jokes here because I thought it made
sense to put them next to the piano jokes.
What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's
most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on "slow".