School Jokes

Little Susie came running into the house after
school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy!  I got
a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in
spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."

A student comes to a young professor's office
hours. She glances down the hall, closes his
door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair,
gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...
anything!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes,... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...
study???"

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake
up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go
to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to
go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the
teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school.
Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to
school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And
for another, you're the Principal!"

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."

After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk.  "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?" The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, boy, what's your name?" The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir. You tell me."

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
See flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prayes
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

"History", declared Henry Ford, "is bunk." And yet to paraphrase George Santayana, those who forget history and the English language are condemned to mangle them. Historian Anders Henriksson, a 5 yeatr veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded, from papers submitted by freshmen at McMaster University and the University of Alberta, his students more striking insights into European history from the Middle Ages to the present. Possibly as an act of vengeance, he has now assembled these individual fragments into a chronological narrative which we present here.

History, as we know, is always bias, because human beings have to be studied by other human beings, not by independant observers of another species.

During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organised big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up winning and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.

In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.

The middle ages slimpered to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human beings. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.

The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppresive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for resurrection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks were right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperors lower passagen was blocked by the French for years and years.

Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.

The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called "Candy" that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napolean was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.

History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, a city of one million people, two million able bodies were on the loose.

Great Britain, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class were tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal sufferage and an anal parliament. Voting was to be done by ballot.

A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the south. Nationalism aided Italy because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleon III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late, but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.

Culture fomented from Europe's tip to it's top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical." Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.

World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war, people get killed, and then they aren't people anymore, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white.

Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by Governmental groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation was wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.

According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is an increasing experience as adolescense experiences it's life development. The last stage is us.

Time limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions. OR: Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) Build a bridge
(b) Sail the ocean
(c) Lead an Army
(d) "WRITE A PLAY"

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one.)
(a) Jewish
(b) "CATHOLIC"
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric Conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand (longer of the two) is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. Ancient History. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximately.)

8. Social Studies. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) "NORTHERNERS"

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: _______________________
Carter: _____________________
Clinton: ____________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) Kmart
(c) Canada
(d) "THE SKY"

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) Yes
(b) No

13. The Star-Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

14. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium. OR: Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

15. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

16. What are coat hangers used for?

17. Advanced Math: If you have three apples and four oranges, how many apples do you have?

18. Geography: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Canada
(c) "FLORIDA"
(d) Wisconsin

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.

21. Current events. Naval flights over Kosovo originate from what branch of the U.S. Armed Forces?
(a) Army
(b) Air Force
(c) Crips
(d) "NAVY"

Name: __________________________ Correct Spelling +25 Points

Two reluctant schoolboys were deciding how to spend the afternoon. They decided to toss a coin. "If it comes up heads, we'll go skating. If it comes tails, we go swimming." "Right. And if it lands on its edge, we'll stay home and do our homework!"

"Why are you late again, boy?" "I must have overslept sir" "Do you mean you sleep at home as well?"

"What is the most common answer to a teacher's question?" "I don't know" "Correct!"

A stern teacher was delivering a long, dry lecture about some boring subject. (Probably botany or biology - I don't know!) About 45 minutes into the lesson, he spotted a boy reading a book under his desk. The teacher was irate. "Boy! What are you doing? Learning something, by any chance?" The boy looked innocent and said, "Oh no sir! I'm listening to you!"

Teacher: I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

After reading a piece, a student was asked to summarize it. His astounding answer was, "Sorry, teacher. I wasn't listening!"

A dreaded test proved that its bark was to not be worse than its bite by putting as question 1: "Define the universe in 25 words and give three examples..."

SYNONYM: A word to use when you can't spell the other!

A boy and his mother were watching some cowboys demonstrating rounding up calves in the old Western style. The boy shouted, "Ma! Look at them bow-legged cowboys!" His mother, embarrassed, told him, "That's no way to speak! Go study your Shakespeare and learn some proper grammar!"

The next day they were watching the demonstrations again and he said in a well-modulated voice, "Mother, what manner of men are these, who wear their legs in parentheses?"

"Teacher! Empty drink cans, used lunch bags, orange peels, broken bits of plastic, dead batteries, lawn clippings and broken bottles!" "Stop talking rubbish boy!"

"You, boy! How old do you think I am?" "About 40 sir." "How do you get to that?" "My brother's 20 and you're twice as stupid as he is!!!"

"Why are you late boy?" "I was dreaming of a football match and the game went into overtime!"

She: "Don't be afraid of him! He's just an ignorant savage and you're an educated, intelligent man!"
He: "So what should I do? Beat him to death with my diploma???"

I really hated fireman's school. The instructors all thought they were hot stuff, but I thought they were all wet. The courses were watered down and the subjects burned me up. My room-mate tried to light a fire under me, but I couldn't climb the ladder of success. So I decided to hot-foot it out of there.

Teacher: "Students, we'll use my hat to represent Mars. Is that a question up the back?"
Student: "Is there any intelligence in Mars Sir?"

"What have you been up to?"

"I've been playing a guessing game."

"Didn't you have a biology exam coming up?"

"That's right!"

"What's your son going to be when he graduates?" "An old man!"

"Dad, here's my report card and one of yours I found in the attic!"

The school board met to consider the following changes to the school buildings:

"Be it resolved that this school district shall have constructed a new school building, and be it further resolved that, in view of the increasing cost of materials, the new building shall be constructed of the materials now in the existing school building. Be it finally resolved that to avoid interruption of school functions the present building shall continue in use until the new school is ready for use."

"The teacher said your singing was heavenly???"

"Well nearly. He said it was unearthly!"

"Professor, were you out there in all that rain?"

"No, I was only in that precise portion of the rain that descended in my immediate vicinity..."