A Southern minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into The river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the
A monastery in the English countryside was having
a hard time with its cash flow because of the
dwindling number of monks available to help with
all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who
had been discussing the problem, suggested they
open a fish and chips stand down on the highway,
right next to a scenic vista area popular with
The other monks agreed, and the two put up the
stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a
compliment asked the monk on duty, "Are you the
"No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for
prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing
with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most
effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face
down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey,
fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did
was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the
Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of
Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all
the grown-ups doin"?
The Story of Noah under Modern Government
Imagine Noah lived in Australia today and God spoke to him, saying: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people, and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building, zoning and watercraft regulations. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans. Then I got into trouble with OHSA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning regulations by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the council planning department. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there's an environmental ban on cutting down trees. I finally convinced the Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the native animals. But in any case, they won't let me catch any animals without special permits for each species. The carpenters I hired formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the ACTU before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no animals. When I started rounding up domestic and farm animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard, The ATO has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.' Finally the Atheists Society got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore illegal."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
What I Learned from Noah's Ark.
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics - do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee - float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
Changing Light Bulbs.
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A sexton to change the bulb.
The rector, the assistant rector, deacon, and seminarian to lead the ceremony blessing the new bulb.
The church secretary to make up the special bulletin insert with the bulb-blessing ceremony, including congregational responses: "Do you, the people of St. Swithin's-on-the-Grunge, promise to support this bulb in its work on behalf of this church?" "We do!"
The choirmaster/organist to write and arrange a special Blessing of the Bulb anthem - the "Phos 100-Watt GE Soft White" - and 12 choir members to sing it.
An acolyte and two torch-bearers to sit around looking bored and making faces at each other.
And 278 people in the pews thinking to themselves, "Is this service EVER going to end?". 6 of those 278 will form a Society for the Preservation of the Light Bulb, and 2 of those people will leave the parish and try to find someone who will let them use the Real Light Bulb of their forefathers.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
10 - One to change the bulb and 9 to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - They aren't usually round long enough for a bulb to blow.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? Who said anything about change!
Choices of bread
On Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, for the fish can symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw:
For ordinary sins - White Bread
For exotic sins - French Bread
For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi-Grain
For twisted sins - Pretzels
For tasteless sins - Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision - Waffles
For sins committed in haste - Matzo
For sins of chutzpah - Fresh Bread
For the sin of substance abuse/marijuana - Stoned Wheat
For the sin of substance abuse/heavy drugs - Poppy Seed
For the sin of committing auto theft - Caraway
For the sin of committing arson - Toast
For the sin of passiveness when action is warranted - Milk toast
For the sin of being ill-tempered/sulky - Sourdough
For the sin of cheating customers - Shortbread
For the sin of risking one's life unnecessarily - Hero Bread
For the sin of excessive use of irony - Rye Bread
For the sin of telling bad jokes - Corn Bread
For the sin of being money hungry - Raw Dough
For the sin of war-mongering - Kaiser Rolls
For the sin of immodest dressing - Tarts
For the sin of causing injury or damage to others - Tortes
For the sin of promiscuity - Hot Buns
For the sin of promiscuity with gentiles - .Hot Cross Buns
For the sin of davenning (praying) off tune - Flat Bread
For the sin of being holier than thou - Bagels
For the sin of indecent photography - Cheese Cake
For the sin of over-eating - Stuffing
For the sin of gambling - Fortune Cookies
For the sin of abrasiveness - Grits
For sins of pride - Puff Pastry
For the sin of cheating - Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For the sin of impetuousness - Quick Bread
For negligent slip ups - Banana Bread
For the sin of dropping in without warning - Popovers
For the sin of perfectionism - Angel Food Cake
For the sin of being up-tight and irritable - High-Fiber Bran Muffins
A pastor warned his congregation in a sermon, "Quit worrying about your
money. You can't take it with you. Even if you could, it would only melt!"
I wish Noah had swatted those two flies...
A minister and a taxi driver were before Saint Peter and the Pearly Gates, and
the taxi driver was admitted while the minister was not. He was outraged and
complained to Peter, "But I've prayed many more times than this
"But when you gave your service, everybody fell asleep. When the driver
gave his, everbody prayed!"
- "Do you really believe that Jonah was in the fish's stomach for three
- "When I get to Heaven I'll ask him."
- "What if he's in the Other Place?"
- "Then you ask him!"
"How do you know what to put in your sermon?" "God tells me,
sonny." "Well why do you keep crossing bits out?"
There were two ministers called Mr Smith in a certain town. On the same day, one
died and one left to be a missionary in New Guinea. The next day, the widow was
horrified to receive a telegram saying, "Arrived safely this morning. The
heat is awful!"
A man was looking for a church and visited one, arriving in the middle of a
prayer. He heard the minister say, "We have left undone those things we
ought to have done, and done those things we ought not."
He dropped into the pew with a sigh of, "I've found my crowd at
A man was at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter told him, "Sorry, you can't
come in. You've told too many lies."
He protested, "Please, have a heart! You were a fisherman too!"
My favourite Bible story:
|Once a man went up from Jerusalem to Jericho and fell among thieves.
The thieves threw him into the weeds, and the weeds grew up and choked
him. He then went on and met the Queen of Sheba and she gave him a
thousand talents of gold and silver. He then got into his chariot and
rode to the Red Sea. When he got there, the waters parted and he drove
to the other side on dry ground.
On the other side he drove under a big olive tree and got his hair
caught on a limb and was left hanging there. He hung there for many days
and nights, and the ravens brought him food and drink. One night when he
was asleep his wife Delilah came and cut off his hair, and he dropped
off and fell to the stony ground. The children of that city came out and
said, "Go on up, baldhead!" And the man cursed the children
and bears came out and tore up the children.
Then it began to rain and it rained for forty days and forty nights.
He went and hid in a cave. Later he went out and met a man and said,
"Come and have supper with me", but the man replied, "I
cannot come for I have married a wife". So he went out into the
highways and byways and compelled them to come in, but they would not
heed his call.
He then went up to Jericho and blew his trumpet seven times and the
city walls came tumbling down. As he walked by the damaged buildings in
the city he saw Queen Jezebel sitting high up in a window and when she
saw him she laughed. The man grew furious and said "Throw her
down" and they did. And they threw her down seventy times seven
times. And the fragments they gathered up were twelve baskets full. The
question now is, "Whose wife will she be at the Ressurection?"
In a sermon: "Let me illustrate the difference between fact and faith. It
is a fact that I am standing here preaching. But only faith makes me believe
that anyone is listening!"