"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -- Gene Hill 

"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown 

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry 

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser 

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb 

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx. 

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman 

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley 

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley 

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy 

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown 

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- Unknown 

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg 

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz 

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner 

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein 

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown 

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber 

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron 

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers 

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein 

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan 

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams 

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey 

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown 

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.." -- Unknown 

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley 

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings 

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson 

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney 

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown 

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain 

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown 

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain 

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton 

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck 

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner

"The Microsoft Exchange Information Store service depends on the Microsoft Exchange Directory service which failed to start because of the following error: The operation completed successfully."

"I want an Internet. Can I have one of those?" -- Spice Girl Mel B., aka Scary Spice, pointing to a monitor during an AOL press conference

"Of course the Universe hates you. You're working to reduce chaos by expending a lot of energy to do your job. Thus, you're contributing to the eventual heat death of the universe, and it's just protecting itself from you." -- John Batzel

"Accurately delivered, a cream pie is an uncannily precise barometer of human nature." -- Noel Godin, pie-throwing anarchist

Don't be nasty about our monarchy. That's our job. Get your own if you want to be rude about them. sandspm@cix.co.uk ("Graham Cluley")

"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place." - writer Douglas Adams, on Windows 95

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one!'" -- C.S. Lewis

Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
- The Usenet oracle

"USENET is not a right." "USENET is a right, a left, a jab, and a sharp uppercut to the jaw. The postman hits! You have new mail." - Ed Vielmetti & Chip Salzenberg

Hi I was wondering where i could get a list of every security hole on every UNIX platform whether it be book website etc. Please email: Jakal90@aol.com - a post to comp.unix.programmer

What is the sound of Perl? Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against? - Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>

Well, enough clowning around. Perl is, in intent, a cleaned up and summarized version of that wonderful semi-natural language known as "Unix". - Larry Wall in <1994Apr6.184419.3687@netlabs.com>

My favourite quote about APL - "I refuse to use any computer language in which the proponents shove snippets of code under each other's nose saying 'I bet you can't guess what this does!'" - D'Arcy J.M. Cain, in comp.lang.ada

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

I want you to be fully aware of your role in Usenet. It goes like this: Bill Gates is the organ grinder, playing a song called "Web TV". You are the little monkey in a bright red hat hopping up and down and acting silly for our amusement. - dgriffi@ultrix6.cs.csubak.edu to MAHK@webtv.net, in alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

No, an Emacs reference mug would not just hold 10 gallons, not even just brew the coffee for you, it would grind it, roast it and grow it (not necessarily in that order). It would also sing the national anthem (which one? All of them - but it would check where it was first), play bagpipes and do the dishes. - Chris Rovers

"Somebody once said that in looking for people to hire, you look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don't have the first, the other two will kill you. You think about it; it's true. If you hire somebody without the first, you really want them to be dumb and lazy." - Warren Buffet

"A reporter asked me not long ago whether I had ever expected a commercial internet to operate. 'Yes,' I answered, 'that didn't surprise me. Finding URLs in lipstick advertisements really threw me though.'" - Fred Baker, IETF (Internet Engineering Task Force) Chair

"The system runs with NT 3.51, service pack 5. At the moment, we have no idea why." - out of context; from a mailing list

Tobacco stocks have taken a big tumble," says Jay Leno. "Phillip Morris fell 6 points. They lost so much money they may have to lay off two senators."

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. - Dad's Law 

customer: "I have Windows 95 on my computer."
tech: "Yes."
customer: "My computer isn't working right."
tech: "Yes. You already told me that."

It's possible to do that. If you've got a basket with 3 oranges in it and you take 5 out, then you have to put 2 oranges in again in order for it to be empty. - Peter Gutmann

How can you expect a computer to act sanely when you give it such conflicting orders? You want it to work, and you want it to run Win95. - Alan Shutko

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M "Post-It" Notepads

"Anyone who considers arithmatical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin." - John Von Neumann

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Oh, now we're adding details like surrounding solid objects! Next thing you'll be saying that it's dangerous to use a wireless modem with a Newton to connect to a machine as root and reconfigure sendmail while doing 75 in a 45 mph zone. - Marshall McGowan

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush _itself_. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone. - Fred Barling, Humorscope

Monitor goes funny, it's a virus; hard disk dies, it's a virus; air-conditioning fails, it's a virus; printer says "ERROR 69 MOUSE OUT OF CHEESE", it's a virus. - Chris Richardson

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

Five years ago I was on a flight from Vegas to Dallas. The pilot said, "Those of you on the right side of the plane can look down and see Meteor Crater. One of our flight attendants saw it for the first time last week, and said 'Wow, it almost hit that road!'"

Don't get mad; get congruent to zero mod two.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." - Jake Johansen

A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful. - Dr. Roger M. Firestone, rfire@cais.cais.com

There was a Soviet captain named XXXXXXXXXX
Who was a XXXXXXX technician in XXXXXXXXX.
For failure to clear
Limericks with his superiors. 
- Elliott Moreton

Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).
- from "The Skier's Dictionary"

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.
- from "The Skier's Dictionary"

Tech support is a fine art which, once mastered, virtually ensures loss of sanity. - Joe Thompson <joe@cstone.net>

"Try moving off NT easily. You can move from Solaris to HP/UX to AIX or DEC easily relative to moving off of NT, which is like a Roach Motel. Once you check in, you never check out." - Scott McNealy, Sun Microsystems

The difference between being a system admin and a sewage worker: Either way you spend your day up to your neck in the waste products of society. The disadvantage of being a system admin is the rats are better paid than you and are in charge. - Russell Street

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - Oscar Wilde

"If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children Windows." - Redmond proverb

"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult" - C.A.R. Hoare

Just for once, i'd like to take the square root of a negative number and have it turn out to be okay. - Chaos Golubitsky

When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*" - Linus Torvalds 

"They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me." - Nathaniel Lee on being consigned to a mental institution, circa 17th c.

Matthew 5:37: Just say 'Yes' or 'No' - anything else you say comes from the Evil One. - the Bible, discussing binary computers

"GUIs normally make it simple to accomplish simple actions and impossible to accomplish complex actions." - Doug Gwyn (22/Jun/91 in comp.unix.wizards)

I bought the latest computer; it came completely loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded.

You can't fight in here, this is the War Room! - The President, "Dr. Strangelove"

I don't know what's scarier - losing nuclear weapons or that it happens so often that we have a name for it. - Giles Prentice, in "Broken Arrow"

An employer once said, "What if I train my people and they leave?" I say, "What if you don't train them, and they stay?"

"It's not to control, but to protect the citizens of Singapore. In our society, you can state your views, but they have to be correct." - Ernie Hai, co-ordinator of Singapore Gov't Internet Project

The answer, I think, lies in explosives. It's been said that there is no problem that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. Now if I can only figure out how to send them via e-mail... - Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

"Using a Mac is like trying to shave with a bowling pin whilst using a PC is like juggling with razors."

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth

"There's even a page about it on the web; I don't know the address, you know, the slash-slash thing, but I'm sure our techie viewers out there can find out... Ha, ha..." -- actual quote from PBS pledge break

A lot of academics are academics because we were the kind of poor souls who actually liked going to school; we liked it so much that we never left. So we're often socially maladjusted creatures. Do not feed the professor; it may bite. - Tim Burke, Swarthmore professor

Some go for the carrot approach, others the stick, others both. If you favour the carrot, try offering memory upgrades or faster processors. For sticks, try bullwhips. Many computers are easily fooled, so placing a picture of yourself in front of a computer will often cause it to think you are watching and it will be too scared to misbehave. - from the FAQ for alt.sysadmin.recovery

If someone offers you the world on a silver platter, take the platter. - The Wall Street Journal

"The difference between scientists and engineers is that when engineers screw up, people die." - Professor Orthlieb

"Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction, from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work." - Anon.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." - Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz]

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

Me: "Uh...I think your disk has a bad sector."
User: "But it can't! It worked fine yesterday!"
Me: "Well, yes, things usually work fine before they break. Otherwise they'd break sooner."

They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were only ignorant of ordinary things. - Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

And sooner or later, one of your cats will step on your keyboard while you're in the middle of editing sendmail.cf, and it will still work. - Pete Ehlke

"For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack." - Instructions on a Korean-made shirt

"The great use of life is to spend it for something that outlasts it." -- William James

Your Horoscope: You are easily influenced by what you read, and have the ability to relate vague and nebulous sentences to your own mundane existence.

"Oh Bentson, you are so mercifully free from the ravages of intellect." - Evil, The Time Bandits

C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
- Monty Python

A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least. - "The Tao of Programming"

No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back. - Turkish Proverb

"Windows 95 is a great gift to give your kid this Christmas, because it will keep your kid fascinated for months trying to get it up and running and trying to figure out how to use it." - Scott McNealy, Sun CEO

Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who its friends are.

A Duracraft electric fan tag brags that it is "Manually Reversible". So you can reverse the flow of air by flipping a switch? No. "Manually reversible" means you can pick the fan up and turn it around. - Consumer Reports, Oct. 1991

IMPACT: Non-privileged primitive users can cause the total destruction of your entire invasion fleet and gain unauthorized access to files. - CERT Advisory CA-96.13

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark Twain

To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root password

Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Cricket: You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

Hitler: "A maniac of ferocious genius, the repository and expression of the most virulent hatreds that have ever corroded the human breast"
- Winston Churchill

"Prosperity cannot be restored by raids on the public Treasury"
- President Hoover, in the Great Depression of the 1930s

"Victory in the war will depend on mastery of the air"
- Australian Defence Minister, A.G. Street, on start of WW2

"Important targets that once required several aircraft can now be disabled with a single Pave Tack aircraft [F-111F]; the radar tells the pod where to look, and the laser allows us to put the weapon precicely on target."
- Operations Officer, 494th TFS, 48th TFW, TAC, USAF (First to convert to F-111F with Pave Tack), Sept 1981.

Italy took Tornado IDS's in preference to F-15E's because otherwise it might not want the EF2000 when it arrived!

> Can you see evidence of aliens on the moon as well?
You can see evidence of aliens in your oatmeal, if you look with the right mindset and expectations.
- Jeramie Hicks, in sci.space.policy

And there were little villages, with neat stations well placarded with showy advertisements - mainly of almost /too/ self-righteous brands of 'sheep dip'. If that is the name - and I think it is. It is a stuff like tar, and it is dabbed on to places where a shearer clips a piece out of the sheep. It bars out flies, and has healing properties, and a nip to it which makes the sheep skip like the cattle on a thousand hills. It is not good to eat. That is, it is not good to eat except when mixed with railroad coffee. It improves railroad coffee. Without it railroad coffee is too vague. But with it, it is quite assertive and enthusiastic. By itself, railroad coffee is too passive, but sheep-dip makes it wake up and get down to business. I wonder where they get railroad coffee?
- Mark Twain, "Following the Equator"

"I offered any employee $50 if he could find anything simple about that project, and I still have that $50."
- Clarence L. "Kelly" Johnson of Lockheed Corporation, concerning the SR-71 project

"You are wasting your time to get mad at a flock of [chooks]. If you run at them shouting, they just squawk and scatter in as many directions as the number of drumsticks divided by two. ... they are not much more intelligent than a peanut butter sandwich..."
- Michael Pearl, "No Greater Joy Vol 1", p70-71

IBM has a history of taking good technologies out behind the barn and wringing their necks. All of us know the chorus, OpenDoc, Taligent, SOM, microchannel, JavaOS for business, on and on... even the IBM Suites for NT... but it seems that OS/2 has a neck like a Nebraska offensive lineman (big, big neck, folks) and nobody has been able to put OS/2 down. I'd recommend that IBM make the best of this situation and stop embarrassing itself. Treat the product with the respect it has earned.

"W2K [Windows 2000] will be a bigger disaster than Y2K [Year 2000]"
- Scott McNealy, Sun Microsystems CEO and MS enemy

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
- Plato (427-347 B.C.)

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
- An ex-IBMer

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