Political Jokes

Hu's on First

(We take you now to the Oval Office where President Bush is meeting with National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice)

George:  Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?
Condi:  Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George:  Great.  Lay it on me.
Condi:  Hu is the new leader of China.

George:  That's what I want to know.
Condi:  That's what I am telling you.

George:  That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:  Yes.

George:  I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:  Hu.

George:  The guy in China.
Condi:  Hu.

George:  The new leader of China.
Condi:  Hu.

George:  The Chinaman!
Condi:  Hu is leading China.

George:  Now whaddya" asking me for?
Condi:  I'm not asking, I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George:  Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?
Condi:  That's the man's name, sir.

George:  That's who's name?
Condi:  Yes.

George:  Will you or will you not tell me the new leader of China?
Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China?  I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi:  That's correct.

George:  Then who is in China?
Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  Yassir is in China?
Condi:  No, sir.

George:  Then who is?
Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  Yassir?
Condi:  No, sir.

George:  Look, Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:  Kofi?

George:  No, thanks.
Condi:  You want Kofi?

George:  No.
Condi:  You don't want Kofi?

George:  No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.  And then get me the U.N.
Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi?

George:   Milk!  Will you please make the call.
Condi:  And call who?

George:  Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi:  Hu is the guy in China.

George:  Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:  Yes, sir.

George:  And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi.

George:  All right!  With cream and two sugars.  Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone)  Rice, here.

George:  Rice?  Good idea.  And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.  And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Al Gore Quotes

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

Welcome to Mrs. Gore, and my fellow astronauts.

Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.

The future will be better tomorrow.

We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
To Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.

Public speaking is very easy.
To reporters in 10/9

I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

A man went to a bank to cash a rather crumpled government cheque, on which was clearly printed "Do not fold, spindle or mutilate". The teller looked at it, and said disapprovingly, "The government doesn't like people doing that", to which the reply was, "The government does some things I don't like, too!"
"I'll have to lock you up for that."
"What's the charge?"
"No charge. It's on Her Majesty."
Lawyer: "Have you any money for my fee?"
Accused: "No, but I have a new car."
"That's fine. Now, what are you accused of?"
"Stealing a new car!"
"Daddy, when are you going to stop practicing law and really do it?"
"I'm a lawyer."
"No, the usual kind!"
The government has too many people fact-finding and too few fact-facing.
Politician, during a long speech: "I am a man of few words!"
Cynic in audience: "That may be so, but you're keeping them mighty busy!"
An old lady finally admitted to a persistent politician, "Well... you're my second choice."
The politican gushed, "I'm highly honoured, ma'am. But may I ask, Who's your first?"
"Anybody else who's running!"
"Did you ever run for office?"
"Yes, last week when my alarm clock failed to go off!"
Three men met in a Soviet prison cell. As they talked over their troubles, the conversation turned to the reasons for their arrest.
"I'm here because I got to work 10 minutes late. They accused me of cheating the government out of some work!"
"I'm here because I was 10 minutes early. They accused me of attempting to sabotage the factory!"
"I got to work on time. They accused me of owning an American watch!"
"Dad, my teacher says I should study criminal law!" "That's great, son!" "He said I have a criminal mind!"
"Prisoner at bar, why did you steal that TV set?"
"For a joke, your honour."
"Where did you take it?"
"To South America, your honour."
"Fined $500 for taking a joke too far!"
If it's too good to be true, our taxes must be paying for it!
I'm so broke I'm thinking of starting my own government...
Don't question authority. It doesn't know either.
If hot air rises, why isn't Parliament in orbit around Venus?
It's always good to keep your words soft and sweet - just in case you have to eat them!
"And God created the organisation, and gave it dominion over man" - Gen 2:30 Div.IV Sec 73a para vii
Overheard: "The thing that made the strongest impression on me in that long meeting was the folding chair"
A man was taken to court for shoplifting. He pleaded to the judge, "Your Honour, I've become a Christian. I'm a new man. I'll never do such a thing again! It was my old nature that did that!"

The judge responded, "Fine. Your old nature did the deed, so we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. Your new nature was an accomplice, so he gets 30 days. I hereby sentence this man to 90 days in jail!"

Where are they going to put criminals now? The jails and parliaments are full.
Man convicted of speeding: "But judge, I do everything fast!"
Judge: "Well let's see how fast you do 30 days!"
A guy accused of forgery made the plea, "But judge, I can't even sign my own name!"
The judge replied, "You're not charged with signing your own name."
Judge: "Why on earth are you freeing the accused?"
Jury: "Insanity, your honour."
Judge: "What, all twelve of you???"
A gap appeared in the wall between heaven and hell. Saint Peter called to Satan, "Could you get one of your engineers to fix this?", but Satan replied, "We're all much too busy!". Saint Peter threatened, "If it isn't fixed today we'll have to sue you!" and Satan threw back, "Oh yeah? Where do you think you'll get a lawyer from?"
Politician: "Election time has come again! The air will be full of my campaign speeches!"
Cynical voter: "And vice versa!"
MEETING: Someone gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees with him.
"What do you think of the candidates for election?"
"I'm thankful that only one can get into office!"
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer "Hello?"
"Hello, is this the KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB officers come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. Then the phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. He answers, "Hello."
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Once there was a barber who was a very good citizen, if not the most astute businessman. One day a minister walked in for a haircut, and the barber did not charge him, saying, "It's my donation to the church". The next day the barber found on his doorstep a dozen Gospel tracts with a thank you note from the minister. Then a policeman came in, and again the barber did not charge him saying, "It's my donation to the community". The next day on his doorstep the barber found a dozen doughnuts with a thank you note from the policeman. Then a politician came in. Again there was no charge, the explanation being, "It's my donation to the country". The next day on his doorstep the barber found a dozen more politicians waiting for a free haricut.
A very bad driver was up before the judge for not pulling over when caught speeding 50km/h over the limit. The judge said, "This time, I'll let you off with a penalty of $1000. But next time it will be six months in jail. So be on your best behaviour."

The cheeky motorist replied, "Judge, you sound like a weather man. Fine today, cooler tomorrow!"

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