Medical Jokes


A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had.  He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address,
medical insurance number.  When you're done, please take a
seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him
what he had.  He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical
history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the
examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said,
"I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles
anywhere."

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck.  Where do you
want them?"


Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the
same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.
They rode on the elevator together at the end of an
unbearably hot, sticky day.  The younger man was completely
done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior
was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marvelled, "how you can listen to
complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like
this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"


A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...



  2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

  1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.

  1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.

  1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.

  1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.

  2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.

Heavenly HMO

	Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
	Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"

	The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless
	lives."

	"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

	Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"
	
	The second answers, "I was a family practitioner.  I treated young and
	old alike.  I made them well again."

	"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

	Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"

	The third says, "I ran an HMO.  I helped pay for thousands to receive
	medical care."

	"Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."

First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People

 

Electrocution

Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

Treating burns and scalds

Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and broken limbs

Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food

Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts And Wounds

Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck In The Eye

Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

Concussion

When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the victims score and send it to me at this address: Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345, the highest score wins a mystery prize. Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something.


Doctors Out Hunting

	Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group 
	were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a 
	pathologist.  After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first 
	to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. 

	"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to 
	get a second opinion."  And of course by that time, the bird was 
	long gone. 

	Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the 
	pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure 
	if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have 
	babies.  "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
	as the creature made good its escape. 

	Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. 
	Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended 
	prey's identity.  

	"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The 
	fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this 
	dilemma. 
	
	Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's 
	weapon pointed skywards.  BOOM!!  The surgeon lowered his 
	smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist 
	beside him. 
	
	"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

The Doctor is in the House

    	"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his
 	psychiatrist.
    
	"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed 
	that she had your face.  And you can imagine, I found this very 
	disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back 
	to sleep.  I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and 
	then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my 
	appointment.  I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
 	strange dream."
    
	The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding, 
 	"A Coke?  You call that a breakfast?"

Doc-isms

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
    I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
    profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
    He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more 
    time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
                 --or--
    I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, 
    you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
    Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
    I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
    He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
    I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
    Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
    I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
    The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
    Rats!  I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
    I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can 
    solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
    who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
    My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
    about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
    I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next 
    week.

A Difficult Case

     	Two psychiatrists were at a convention.  As they conversed over 
	a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

   	The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy 
	world.  He believed that an uncle in South America was going to 
	die and leave him a fortune.  All day long he waited for a letter 
	to arrive from an attorney.  He never went out, he never did 
	anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter 
	from this fantasy uncle.  I worked with this man eight years."

        "What was the result?"

        "It was an eight-year struggle.  Every day for eight years, but 
	I finally cured him.  And then that stupid letter arrived!"

Death -- A Continuing Scandal

	GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
	disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
	efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
	worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
	Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
	functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
	concern.  Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
	worldwide, the condition has no cure.

	"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
	rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
	at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
	Bladt said.  "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
	constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."

	Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
	failure on the part of the planet's health care workers.  "The inability
	of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
	nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said.  "Do
	you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like?  Well, I
	do, and believe me, it's not pretty.  In prolonged cases, total
	decomposition of the corpse is the result."  "What about the children?"
	the visibly moved Gretto added.

	"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
	generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
	beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
	cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
	involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
	non-dead as well.  "Those who suffer from death can be highly
	traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
	therapist Eli Wasserbaum said.  "But it can also be very traumatic for
	the still-living who are left behind.  The sudden cessation of metabolic
	activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
	person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
	emotional needs of their loved ones."  In the most serious cases of
	death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
	still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
	lives, until their own deaths.  "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
	cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."

	"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
	nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it.  I propose we
	stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
	hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
	from it."  Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
	from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
	down on death."
	
	Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
	agreed with Domenici.  "Why should we continue to spend billions of
	dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
	prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
	Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
	"That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
	fair.  Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
	so-called 'medical health professionals' and said:  'Enough is enough.
	I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"

Cost Saving Memo

Memorandum

To: All Hospital Employees

From: Administration

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. 
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the 
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will 
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the 
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now  
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be 
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as 
continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need 
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements 
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation 
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available 
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient 
may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be 
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of 
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory 
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients 
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those 
registered.

Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a 
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.

Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the 
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be 
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment 
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at 
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring. 
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as 
possible until that particular volume arrives.

Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing 
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2) 
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time 
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price 
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday 
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors 
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come 
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to 
the Emergency Room.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric 
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room 
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately 
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection 
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, 
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute 
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the 
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics 
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will, 
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's 
formulary.

Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface, 
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this 
latest cost cutting measures.

Cost of Health Care

	A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.

	"How much do I owe you?"

	"My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.

	"Fifty ruples? That's impossible."

	"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
	thirty ruples."

	"Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."

	"Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"

	"Who has so much money?"

	"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples
	and be gone."

	"I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."

	"I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did you come to the most
	expensive doctor in Warsaw?"

	"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing
	is too expensive."

A Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

 
1. Do Not Expect Your Doctor To Share Your Discomfort. 
	Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him  
	to lose valuable scientific objectivity
 
2. Be Cheerful At All Times. 
	Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires 
	all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 
 
3. Try To Suffer From The Disease For Which you are Treated 
	Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to 
	uphold. 
 
4. Do Not Complain If The Treatment fails To Bring Relief. 
	You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight 
	into the true nature of your illness, Which transcends any mere 
	permanent disability you may experience. 
 
5. Never Ask Your Doctor To Explain What He Is Doing Or Why 
   He Is Doing It.  
	It is presumptuous to assume that profound matters could 
	be explained in terms that you would understand. 
 
6. Submit To Novel Experimental Treatment Readily. 
	Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the 
	resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
 
7. Pay Your Medical Bills Promptly And Willingly 
	You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however 
	modestly, to the well being of physicians and other humanitarians.
 
8. Do Not Suffer Ailments That You Cannot Afford. 
	It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your 
	means. 
 
9. Never Reveal Any Of The Shortcomings That Have Come to Light In the 
   Course Of Treatment By Your Doctor.  
	The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you 
	have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
 
10. Never Die While In Your Doctor's Presence Or Under His Direct Care.  
	This will only cause him needless inconvenience and 
	embarrassment. 

Case Report:
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome

Source:  North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1998

Author:  Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of
generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general
malaise.  The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild
respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly.  He attributed
these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! 
HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's 
occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to 
many people worldwide.  He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, 
and gains access to homes via chimneys.  He has performed this work 
for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining 
Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a 
unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this 
man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-
Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History:  Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during 
his working hours.  However, I believe his bulbous nose and 
erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse.  He has 
smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations 
at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per 
day for the last 5 years.  He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in 
the past.  He has no known allergies. 
Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the
world annually.  He has had all his immunizations, including all 
available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and 
eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels,  and a high 
percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he 
collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and 
cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not 
name any relatives.

Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
Correlates:  The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
vision.  His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
abrasions.  This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
the day, and worsened by stress.

He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and 
falls from his sleigh.  Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot 
wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent 
with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds.  
Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, and 
distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of 
hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of 
150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40.  He 
has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during 
exertion.  He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure, 
but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary 
lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking, 
and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease, 
myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems.  Blood tests 
subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute 
to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished 
fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years.  A 
neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his 
L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy 
sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first 
falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, 
which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely 
etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
depression has been chronic for several years.  I do not believe it to be
organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his
personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits
long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago. 
This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, 
head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence. 
Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound 
unhappiness.  He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the 
widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. 

The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people 
do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious 
identity crisis if not dealt with.  He reports great stress over having to 
choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and 
inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are 
"naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting 
many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective 
Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.

Treatment and Counselling:  All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes.  A
referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
 On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
cancer has been detected as of this writing.  He was counselled to 
wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents 
where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, 
heated, pressurized sleigh.  He refused suggestions to add a helmet 
and protective accessories to his uniform.  He was put on a high-fibre, 
low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking.  
He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it 
remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out 
for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports 
doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

Conclusions:  Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis.  I
encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ 
physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of 
children everywhere depend on effective management of these 
syndromes.

Bandersnatch Guide on How to Live Forever


by Hugh Holub

from Frumious Bandersnatch

	Americans are obsessed with their health.  If you eat right, quit
	smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
	live well into your 90's.  It is, one should think, theoretically
	possible to live forever... if you live right.
	
	The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
	eliminate all the risks of mortality.
	
	The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
	of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life
	span.
	
	AVOID LIGHTNING:  A person has a better chance of being killed by
	lightning, than many other risks.  Stay inside, or in your car, when
	lightning is near.
	
	DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS:  Many lightning victims are killed
	on golf courses.  It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
	than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.
	
	DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS:  Trains carry all kinds of
	nasty toxic chemicals.  Should a train derail and you are too close, you
	could be toast.  Avoid getting near trains.
	
	AVOID PEANUT BUTTER:  It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
	butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
	water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.
	
	AVOID METEOR SHOWERS:  In the same probability range of dying from
	cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
	quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite.  Stay inside during
	meteor showers.
	
	DON'T DRIVE:  Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
	accidents.  If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
	your chances of eternal life.
	
	DON'T FLY:  While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
	drive, why take any chances?
	
	AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER:  Hundreds of people drown every
	year.  Don't go into the water.  Not even to bathe.
	
	DRINK THE WATER:  Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
	America is drink tap water.
	
	STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY:  Skin cancer is becoming a major health
	risk.  Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
	inside during daylight hours.
	
	CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON:  Obviously, staying inside your home as much
	as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
	radon gas.	

	NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY:  Many people are electrocuted in stupid
	accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
	switch.  Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any
	risk.
	
	GET RID OF YOUR GUNS:  More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
	guns owned by strangers.  A gunless home is a safer home.
	
	NO NATURAL GAS OR FOSSIL FUEL HEATING OR COOKING SYSTEMS:  People
	accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
	gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems.  You'll
	have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
	people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
	heating.  It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
	could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.
	
	EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME:  Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
	such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug.  Get rid of all
	your furniture, rugs and appliances.  An empty house is a safe house.
	
	EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS:  Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
	meat.  Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
	birds to hunt.
	
	DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR:  While it may not be politically
	correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
	of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
	Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.
	
	MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS:  It is a well-known fact that many
	fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.
	
	INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY:  If you follow the previous
	suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
	fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from
	storms.
	
	CONCLUSION:  While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
	person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
	everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
	be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
	with the natural environment.

New Revolution in Cheap Health Care -- Affordable HMO Opens

by Baja Arizona Publishing Company

	TUCSON -- Federated Health Care of America announced today the newest
	innovation in cheap health care -- an HMO without doctors.

	"One of the most expensive parts of the health care system is the
	doctors," explained Andrew Bongle, President of FHCA.  "They cost a lot
	of money in salaries and malpractice insurance, and they have this nasty
	habit of ordering really costly services such as surgery."

	In order to keep the cost of health care affordable for their investors,
	FHCA has purchased thousands of do-it-yourself photo booths and
	installed them in Walmarts around the country.  The booths have been
	retrofitted with a microchip diagnostic system similar to the ones found
	in auto repair shops, and a series of sensors.
	
	"Our patients will simply have to sit in the HealthChair, as we call
	them, and answer a series of questions, such as 'Do you have a fever?'
	The sensors will detect the body temperature and other probes can be
	inserted in various parts of the body to complete the diagnosis," Bongle
	said.
	
	"Our in-store health care booths are the cutting edge of instant service
	delivery to our clients," noted Bongle.
	
	The HealthChair Booths will dispense pre-measured doses of generic drugs
	such as aspirin.
	
	"For the more serious illnesses or injuries, the HealthChair will
	dispense a How To Manual for the patient to take home so they can treat
	themselves," Bongle noted.  "For a few extra dollars, we will even
	provide video instructions."
		
	"For example, many surgical procedures only require a local anesthetic,
	so the patient will be given a disposable scalpel, a dose of pain
	killer, and instructions on how to perform the surgery themselves,"
	Bongle explained.  "This gives new meaning to home health care."
	
	In addition to eliminating doctors, the new FHCA HealthChair booths
	eliminate nurses and hundreds of other expensive employees.  "The whole
	system is automated so no human beings are required for health care
	delivery," Bongle added.  "The only staff we will need is to process
	billings to insurance carriers."
	
	Since the HealthChair booths have video cameras installed in them to
	view patients, questions of privacy have arisen.  "We have solved that
	problem by offering our patients discounts on their health care if
	they'll let us sell the pictures of their naked bodies on the Internet,"
	Bongle said.	

	America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley,
	Arizona -- a notorious retirement community.

	"Given the demographics of the country," explained Richard Sottleworth,
	head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, "it only made sense to
	cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens."

	The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people
	weaned on the Rolling Stones.  "There is no way the old type of old
	folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening
	to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth.  "What works best is to create
	a familiar environment for our clients."

	The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and
	medicinal marijuana.  "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens
	is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained,
	"because we can really dope them up and they'll love it."

	The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of
	rock-oriented care facilities.  "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick
	Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth.
	"But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need
	the money," he added.
	
	In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer
	electric guitars for residents.  "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth
	commented.

2 Drops Every 4 Hours

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back
in the early days of his practice. 

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.  In the
directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. 

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that
the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really
greasy with all those drops of oil. 

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours." 

Little boy at dentist's office: "I'm supposed to make an appointment."
Nurse: "Sorry, sonny, he's out of town."
Boy: "Oh thank you. When will he be out again?"


A doctor had trouble with a leaking pipe in his home. Even though it was only three in the morning, he decided to phone the plumber, who complained, "Doc, this is a fine time to wake a guy!"
"Well, you've never hesitated to call me with a medical problem. Now I have a plumbing emergency."
"... All right doc. Take two aspirin every hour, drop them down the pipe, and if it hasn't cleared up by morning, call me at the office."


"There's an invisible man in the waiting room!"
"Tell him I can't see him."


"Doctor, I've been given 59 seconds to live!" "Sit down and I'll be with you in a minute!"


"Doctor, I want to lose 20 kilograms of useless fat." "All right, I'll amputate your head!"


"I'm putting you on another diet. But this one will be a lot easier, because then you might just stick to it. Here are the rules:

  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something, e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon etc.
  • If you drink diet soft drinks when eating chocolate, the diet soft drink cancels out any calories in the chocolate.
  • When eating with someone else, your calories don't count if you eat less than they do.
  • Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, e.g. hot chocolate, brandy.
  • Movie related foods such as jaffas, popcorn or minties do not add calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package.
  • Biscuit pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage."

"Doctor, my uncle says he wants to die!" "I'm glad you called for me!"


Overheard: "My doctor is an eye, ear, nose, throat and wallet specialist!"


"Doctor, my arms hurt, my stomach hurts, my feet hurt, my neck hurts and my shoulders hurt!"
[Doctor picks up his hammer and taps the knee to test reflexes]
"Now my knees hurt too, Doc!"


At a medical board committee meeting: "All in favour, stick out your tongue and say 'Ah'"!


"Students, notice that this patient's left leg is slightly shorter than his right. Therefore, he limps. What would you do in this circumstance?"
"I would limp too!"


Virus: a Latin word meaning "Your guess is as good as mine!"


"Can I get a second opinion?" "Sure. Come back tomorrow!"


Overheard: "The doc said he'd have me walking in no time. He was right. I had to sell my car to pay him!"


"Doctor, my ear rings all the time! What should I do?"
"Get an unlisted ear!"

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