Dogs

From the Personals:

SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips.
Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire.  Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and I
will respond with tender caresses.  I'll be at the front door
when you get home from work.  Kiss me and I'm yours.  I'm a svelt
good looking girl who loves to play.  Call 565-2121 and ask for
Daisy I'm a eight week old black labrador retriever.

	1. Remove film from box and load camera

	2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
	
	3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
	
	4. Choose a suitable background for photo
	
	5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
	
	6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
	
	7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
	
	8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
	
	9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
	
	10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
	
	11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
	
	12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
	
	13. Put magazines back on coffee table
	
	14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
	
	15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
	
	16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
		No, outside!"
	
	17. Call someone to help clean up mess
	
	18. Fix a drink
	
	19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with large, strong drink and resolve to teach
		puppy"sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. 

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the
house, but no babies. 

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink,
to keep the dog out of it while you're at
work.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
nose-prints all over the inside. 

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy. 

Your dog sleeps with you. 

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she
understands. 

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately
afterward, of course). 

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't. 

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times. 

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid. 

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog. 

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable. 

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the
movies with your sweetie. 
                                                                      
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very
few places that lets you bring your dog
inside, and your dog loves to go with you. 

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups
pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to
wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water. 

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what 

she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet
another story). 

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog
sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a
small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself. 

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog. 

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog. 

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's) 

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get. 

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore. 

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work. 

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs
her walk. 

You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go
home and see your dog. 

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
                                                                         
Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both
days). 

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog
gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...). 

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else. 

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a
taste, too).

You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all
her favorite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is
afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta. 

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog. 

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your
parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human 


***And the number one reason you know you're a dog person***


Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site! 

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.

'Twas the night before X-mas
And all through the crates
Not a Dalmatian was stirring
Not even for bait.


The puppies were nestled
All snug in their beds
While visions of biscuits
Danced in their heads


The stockings were hung
By the fireplace of stone
In hopes they'd be filled
With rawhide and bones


Ma in her nightshirt
And I in my robe
Had just settled down
By the ol' woodstove


When out on the lawn
There arose such a commotion
I sprang from my chair
To see why the dogs weren't in motion


Away to the window
I ran like a deer
Tore open the shade
To see who was here


The moon on the top
Of the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of doghair
To the ground below.


And what do I see
To my started exclamation
But a miniature sleigh
And eight spotted dalmatians.


With a little 'ole handler
So poised and so sure
I knew in a moment
'Twould not be a bore


More rapid than beagles
His charges they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name


Now Austin, now Blackjack
Now Chips and Josh P
On Morris and Fancy
On Lace and Indy


To the top of the doghouse
To the top of the wall
Now dash away, dash away
Dash away all


As the dry leaves that before
A running Dalmatian fly
Meet with an obstacle
Mount to the sky


So up to the housetop
The coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of choo-hooves
And St, Nicholas too.


And then in an instant
I heard on the roof
The scratching and digging
Of each spotted foot.


As I drew in my head
And was turning around
Down the chimney
St. Nicholas came with a bound.


He was dressed all in fur
But had not a care
For his clothes were all covered
With black and white hair.


A bundle of toys
He had flung on his back
And he looked like a groomer
Just opening his pack.


His eyes how they twinkled
His dimples how merry
His cheeks were like roses
His nose like a cherry,


His small little mouth
Smile to greet all his pals
And the beard on his chin
Was as white as the dals.


He had a broad little face
And a round little tummy
That wriggled when he laughed
Like the tail of a puppy.


He was chubby and plump
A right jolly old boy
The dogs barked when they saw him
Their eyes on the toys.


A wink of his eye
And a twist of his head
Soon told the dogs
They had nothing to dread.


He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work.
And filled all the stockings
Then turned with a jerk.


And with a pat to each
Spotted dog's nose
Giving a nod
Up the chimney he rose.


He sprang to his sleigh
To his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew
Like the down of a thistle.


And I heard him exclaim 
As he drove out of sight
"Happy showing to all
And to all a good night."

	If you own a dog, you know what it's like to be groaked.

	"Groak" is an old word meaning to stare at somebody longingly while he
	is eating.

	Dogs are the champion groakers of all time, and the most obnoxious.  But
	the season, rather than the dog, reminds me of the word.  There is an
	element of groaking in keeping up with the Joneses, which is a lot of
	what decides Christmas shopping purchases in any given year.

	The neighbor's kid is going to get a little rubber troll with wild
	hair.  And so if your kid doesn't get one, she'll be sitting outside the
	neighbor's picture window for days on end groaking the kid who did get
	one.  Similarly, you buy your wife a pair of those elegant slippers with
	the flashlights built into the toes because you don't want her groaking
	all the other women in the neighborhood who will be getting them.

	And more in keeping with the traditional meaning of the word, if I don't
	get at least a couple of chocolate chip cookies for Christmas I'm going
	to come over to your house and groak you while you eat yours.  Anybody
	who would sit and stuff chocolate chip cookies into her face without
	sharing deserves to be groaked.

	That is classic groaking in the canine manner.  But in sad truth, I
	suppose the word groak may have come originally from heartfelt scenes of
	hungry children staring through the windows of restaurants watching
	others eat.  But that has nothing to do with the groaking of dogs in
	this fortunate society.  The sort of dog who groaks is the sort of dog
	who doesn't need the food.  A truly hungry dog will go out and kill a
	garbage can.  But a groaking dog doesn't do it to eat.  He does it to
	irritate.

	I have had several dogs who understood full well how difficult it is to
	eat while some slobbering simpleton stares earnestly at you with the
	look of a waif losing a fight with malnutrition.

	I have had dogs so consistently inconsiderate about that sort of thing
	that I made it a point to feed them first before sitting down to consume
	my own dinner.  And of course, you know how much good that did.

	It wasn't the food they wanted; it was the exasperation.  It is not easy
	to eat with two pathetic, unblinking eyes focused on your every move.
	It isn't easy doing anything in that situation.

	I have had dogs groak me while I was reading.  And it wasn't the book
	they wanted.  Dogs can't read.  And they can't learn to read though I
	have heard otherwise sensible people talk about how smart dogs are
	without reflecting on the unassailable fact a dog can't read.

	A dog groaks you while you are reading, not because it wants the words
	you  are consuming, but because it wants the attention you are wasting
	on a book.

	And it succeeds.  Have you ever tried to read with two hot eyes a few
	inches from your face and a ripe breath in your face?

	But the worst is food.  A champion groaker will not only sit aimed
	straight at you in rapt attention as you eat, but it will follow the
	food with its eyes and the tilt of its head.

	As you prepare to lift the food from the plate, the dog stares at the
	food on the plate.

	As you lift a morsel toward your mouth, the tilt of the mutt's head
	follows, its eyes in unison with your every move.

	As the food reaches your mouth and you pop it in, the dog focuses on
	your chewing mouth.  And it isn't easy eating with a dog staring at your
	lips.  As you swallow, the dog's gaze meets your own with a
	how-could-you look, the dog's eyes water, the dog's mouth slobbers and
	the dog softly whines.  And of course, any decent person will do
	something about that.  You must take the dog by the collar and walk it
	to the closet, locking it in there until dinner is over so the poor
	thing won't suffer so much.

	The only other choice is to get up, give the dog your place at the table
	and go whine in the closet yourself.

	And you might as well do that if you don't remove the dog from the room
	because nobody can enjoy his dinner with dog eyes following his every
	move.  The best sauce is hunger.  The worst sauce is groaking.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a
lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark,
bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch
them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

I've been reading a lot lately about the "no-frills workout" approach to exercise. Back to basic push-ups, jumping jacks, crunches, obstacle courses and sprints are performed in the wee hours of the morning under the unsympathetic eye of a trainer (often an ex-marine or off-duty police officer), who meets your whimpers and pleas for mercy with a blast of a whistle.

By any standards, it is a grueling fitness regimen. So grueling, it might even prepare a person for the most grueling no-frills workout of a lifetime: a walk with my dog.

When it comes to fitness, clearly it is not man nor woman, but dog, who is the ultimate personal trainer.

In my house the workout begins promptly at 5:45 a.m. when I feel a paw batting at my arm.

"Go away," I mumble from beneath the covers.

Just as I'm drifting back off to sleep, I hear the clink of a leash next to my bed.

"It's raining," I reply.

Forty-two seconds later I'm rallied out of bed by the ultimate in canine trainer motivation techniques: dog breath one inch from my face.

I throw on my running clothes, snap on her leash and without time for so much as a glass of orange juice, we fly out the door at 100 miles an hour. "Heel!" I hiss at the 70-pound husky mix dragging me down the driveway. "Heel! Heel! Heel!"

The impertinent command sends her into an all-out world record-breaking sprint.

We run down the street, around the corner, up a hill and through the school yard. Then, just when I feel I can't take another minute of punishment, my personal trainer stops dead in her tracks, sending me ricocheting in front of her like a rag doll in fluorescent Nikes.

We have now entered Phase II of the canine workout: sniffing reps. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. We lunge to the right. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. We lunge to the left. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. Agility and coordination are put the ultimate test as I hop over puddles, jump clear of bushes, dart around trees, and ultimately shimmy under the neighbor's fence while my dog traces the scent of a rabbit, a squirrel, a cat, her own tail ... who knows?

I peek up from the grass and meet the eyes of the homeowner peering at us through her drawn curtain.

No time to stop and explain though, because now I'm hurdling over a bed of petunias to meet up with another trainer and his sweating human.

(SNIFF. SNIFF. SNIFF. "Is your human a big wimp too?")

(SNIFF. SNIFF. SNIFF. "Yes. Oops. I think I see chipmunk. Gotta go!")

Two more squirrel chases, a duck sighting, and a leaf-mistaken-for-a-chipmunk episode later, I stumble up the driveway behind my dog, a panting, muddy, sweaty heap.

We go inside, and in a final no-frills training assault, my four-legged fitness guru eats my fat-free muffin while I'm not looking.

Dear Elmo,

I know you can't read, but I'm hoping someday someone can sit down with you and read this to you. You have brought so much love and happiness to our family. You have been our pet for over a year now, and we don't even regret the day we picked you up at a yard sale. It's not often people get their pets from a yard sale. There were many things that decided we would take you home with us. Most importantly, they were giving you away for free. That always helps...

We decided to keep the name you were named, since you were used to it (even though it's embarrassing for us and you). Things started out well. You sat between my two sons on the two hour drive home, licking their faces constantly. The people that gave you away must have forgotten to inform us you have a weak stomach. We realized this when you puked really good a couple of times in the backseat.

Anyway, you've been a very good dog. Unlike the last dog we had (for two days...) you don't chew on television remote controls (which is a serious offense in this family) and you don't chew the crotch out of the families underwear. Don't get a swelled head though, as you are not perfect

You see, Elmo, we used to have a backyard. It wasn't perfect, but it did have grass. Thanks to you, it is now a series of cute, very deep holes. You love to dig holes, don't you? I often wonder why you could not be satisfied digging in one spot. I would happily give you a corner of the yard to dig in. You could dig the day away until you're paws were bleeding. If we were planning to have an in ground swimming pool, your digging wouldn't matter at all, but Elmo, we are not getting a pool.

The other thing that bothers me is the walks we have together. I don't like running while I'm walking you. You are always pulling on the leash. Do you not realize if you calmed down a little and walked slower, the leash wouldn't be strangling you to death? You don't look very comfortable with your eyes popped out of their sockets and your tongue dragging on the sidewalk. I also realize that you like to pee on our walks. What irritates the hell out of me is that you have to pee on anything that resembles a pole. Every few feet, you have to stop, sniff around and relieve yourself. Does the urine never stop? I would prefer you let it all out of your system at one pit stop. I would gladly wait there half an hour while you emptied your bladder.

All in all, you've been a fine dog. Hold your head up high. Just do me one favour... The next time my wife and I are alone and I call her over to the couch by saying "Hey baby, why don't you sit over here with me!" could you not jump up on the couch and cozy up to me? Thanks. I'd appreciate it, buddy.

  1.  After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! 
      Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
      sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans 
      bedtime.

  2.  Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put
      your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if
      you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
      frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
      caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
      nothing wrong.)

  3.  Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.
      Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare
      blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're
      talking about.

  4.  Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee',
      sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the
      spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the
      earth.

  5.  Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
      busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make
      sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your
      humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

  6.  When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every
      time a strange human walks by.

  7.  Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
      playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in
      a while.

  8.  Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet
      them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think
      something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one
      of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

  9.  When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time.
      Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

 10.  Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
      and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as
      you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back
      asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!) 

	1.  Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
	2.  Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
	      face to be pure ecstasy.
	3.  When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
	4.  When it's in your best interest, always practice
	      obedience.
	5.  Enjoy it when someone wants to rub your tummy.
	6.  Take naps and always stretch before rising.
	7.  Run, romp, and play daily.
	8.  Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
	9.  Be loyal.
	10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
	11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
	12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
	      by and nuzzle them gently.
	13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
	14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
	15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
	16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
	      tree.
	17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire	
	      body.
	18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into
	      the guilt thing and pout.  Run right back and make
	      friends.

	If you can start the day without caffeine,
	If you can get going without pep pills,
	If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
	If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
	If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
	If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy
	     to give you any time,
	If you can overlook it when those you love take it out
	     on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,	
	If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
	If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
	If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
	If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
	If you can conquer tension without medical help,
	If you can relax without liquor,
	If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
	If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
	     against creed, color, religion or politics,
	Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it?

	DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of lightbulb and find a
		more efficient form of lighting--perhaps a fluorescent bulb.

	AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just *try* to convince them that the
		burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

	JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep
		arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be 
		done!

	BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it.

	POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will 
		get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out.

	PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is
		that OK with you?

	LABORADOR RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole 
		lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid 
		burned-out light bulb?

	AFGHAN: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

	~CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.~

	SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!

	SCHIPPERKE: It's your lightbulb - change it yourself.  Unless... is there food 
		involved??

	POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done

	BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get?

	WEIMARANER: Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHTBULB??

	LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep.

	BASENJI: LIGHTBULB?? We don't change no steenking lightbulbs!!

	MALAMUTE: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.

	BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off
		the chair...

	AMERICAN BULLDOG: One: JUMP,remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. 
		Two: What lightbulb? So? We can play in the dark.

	GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first 
		can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or frisbee - and then I want 
		to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with 
		my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself - you didn't 
		have to do that - but I looooove you so much for being my friend and 
		doing that."

	DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb.

	ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one.

	CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

	SPRINGER: Lightbulb? Lightbulb?  That thing I just ate was a lightbulb?

	STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out. 
		Then go lie down in disgust that it took so long.

	BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.

	WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of 
		it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think 
		about it.  You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just 
		had a great idea.  I think I'll change that light bulb!

	GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the 
		kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap.  I'll add the 
		lightbulb to my 'to do' list..."

	DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat... no, you took too long. I 
		want TWO treats and I'll do it... No, not that treat, the other kind. 
		Geez... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".)

	IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb.

	PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb.  Now, let go of old light 
		bulb... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB. Please?? Let go of the light bulb??

	GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG:  Huh????

I Love dogs because

1. You never find a cat or a hamster with a barrel of brandy round its neck. 

2. It has never been suggested that were mankind to disappear, dogs (unlike ants, dolphins and rats) are waiting in the wings to take over the world. 

3. The dog is man's best friend, indeed only friend. 

4. They cause welcome diversions in otherwise tedious Test matches. 

5. They will run and retrieve sticks of any shape, thus rendering the boomerang obsolete. 

6. Dogs never have to be rescued from the tops of trees by the fire brigade. 

7. They are the cheapest and most effective anti-burglar device yet devised. 

8. They are the most specialised animal in nature. What other one boasts species which can hunt foxes, guard property, balance balls on there noses, go down holes after badgers and travel fast enough to attract large sums of money in bets ? 

9. They are the only animal to have a form of humour named after them: The shaggy dog story. 

10. They growl when Esther Rantzen comes on the TV. 

11. Conan Doyle would have got nowhere with "The Moggy of the Baskervilles." 

12. Dogs are highly perceptive. They can spot attractive loveable qualities in you which are never spotted by your family or friends. 

13. They will pull you for hours in a sled across the snowy wastes of the Arctic, if thats your idea of a good time. 

14. The King Charles spaniel is the only pet ever to have been named after a monarch. (there is no recorded instance of a domesticated King Edward V11 potato.) 

15. Dogs are largely responsible for keeping the aniseed industry going. 

16. They can hear notes that the human ear cannot pick up and are therefore really into avant-garde music: they were also among the first creatures to appreciate the early gramophones. (HMV lable) 

17. The dog is the only animal which, in return for thousands of milk bottle tops, will agree to guide the blind. 

18. They eat unwelcome Christmas presents such as carpet slippers and spotty ties. 

19 Snoopy can effortlessly outwit Charlie Brown every time. 

20. You'd swear they understand almost every word you say, unlike humans. 

21. There is no known instance of a sheep being trained to round up large quantities of dogs. 

22. They are said to be much prized in some forms of Oriental cuisine. 

23. They are the only animals to have found another use for lamp-posts. 

24. They suffer uncomplainingly insults which humans would never tolerate: dog's dinners, being given a bad name and hung, having a dog's life, seeing a sausage in a roll named after them etc etc. 

25. They made Battersea famous.

I Hate dogs because

1. You can't even mention the chief objection to them in polite society.

 2. They eat expensively imported chocolate. 

3. Chihuahua is impossible to spell. 

4. Dogs have no fashion sense. They only wear dowdy camping cloths, never really elegant gear. 

5. They creep up behind you after they have been for a swim and shake themselves viciously. 

6. You have to multiply their real age by 7 to get their equivilant human age, and then say how wonderful they are looking considering they are 109! 

7. They indicate they want you to throw a ball for them by refusing to let go of it. 

8. They find it impossible to tell between burglars and friends of the family. 

9. They wag their tails and look expectantly at you without having the wit to tell you what on earth it is they expect of you. 

10. They dirty stationary cars and chase moving ones. 

11. They have to have their food artificially shaped like a bone before they will condescend to eat it. 

12. They spread a disease which makes you go blind. I know that for a fact, there was a piece in New Society about it, no I didn't read it myself, but I know someone who did. 

13. Technology has placed man on the moon but not yet invented a machine capable of picking up dog hairs. 

14. The Queen likes corgies better than the theatre, ballet, books or football. 

15. Dogs have no qualms about acting for the police as instruments of repression: who ever heard of a radical, correct thinking dog? 

16. They relieve themselves on one part of the lawn and scratch up another. 

17. They are the only animal capable of being classed medically as "mad". 

18. They have no shame in accepting names like Mitzi, Diddums, Pookey etc. 

19. They take all the meat which should by rights go to old age pensioners. 

20. When you tell a dog to sit, it runs off and attacks someone else's. 

21. When in the mood for mating, it cannot tell the difference between its own breed and any other kind of dog, and will even make advances to trouser legs.

22 Dog-owners are incapable of addressing their animals without retreating into a nauseating nursery English full of walkies, din-dins and doggy poos. 

23. They can always spot fear in humans, but never loathing. 

24. It is extremely annoying for a person from Alsace, Dalmatia or Pomerania to go through life having stupid jokes made about his origin. 

25. No one would ever have to put up a notice saying BEWARE OF THE CAT.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmation dog.  The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. 

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
 
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
 
A third child brought the argument to a close.  "They use the dogs," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

	I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

	I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast 
	food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

	The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

	I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the 
	house when I am about to throw up.

	I will not throw up in the car.

	I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
	
	I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.

	I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

	I will not eat other animals' poop.

	I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

	I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop. "Kitty box 
	crunchies" are not food.

	I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard
	after processing.

	The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

	I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

	I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

	I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

	I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people
	will think I am hemorrhaging.

	When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
	it's raining outside.

	I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is
	sitting on the toilet.

	We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

	I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard  
	with it.

	The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

	My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

	I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
	license and car registration.

	I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

	I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the 
	coffee table.

	I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

	The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

	I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE I come into the house

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To
do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones  to consume and moldy crusts
of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out.  Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when
combined  with The Sniff.  See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return

	1.  The dog is not allowed in the house. 
	2.  OK, the dog can come into the house but only with certain rules. 
	3.  The dog is allowed in all rooms but has to stay off the furniture. 
	4.  The dog can get on the old furniture. 
	5.  Fine.  The dog is allowed on all furniture but is not allowed to sleep
	    with the humans on the bed. 
	6.  OK, the dog is allowed to sleep on the bed but only by invitation. 
	7.  The dog can sleep on the bed whenever it wants but not under the covers.
	8.  The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
	9.  The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 
	10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A member of his congregation told Rev. Warren J. Keating, pastor of
First Presbyterian Church, Yuma, AZ, that this was the best prayer he
ever heard:  "Dear G-d, please help me be the person my dog thinks I
am."

	Perro, Texas (DE) -- In a stunning and unprecedented case, a dog has
	filed a lawsuit against its owner.  With the lawsuit, the dog is hoping
	to 'divorce' its owner and receive compensation for pain and suffering.

	"Ruff, ruff.  Bark, bark," the dog told us in an exclusive interview.
	While we were not able to understand what the dog was trying to say, its
	lawyer was more than happy to translate.  "Fido (the dog) just wants the
	care and respect it deserves and I don't think two million is too much
	to ask," said lawyer Sam Swindi.

	The dog's owner who wishes to remain anonymous is outraged at this
	lawsuit.  "I can't believe this happened and especially that the judge
	is allowing this to happen.  At first I thought it was a joke, but now
	it is not so funny," stated the owner.

	The dog is no longer in the possession of its owner, but is in the
	possession of a state agency worker assigned to the case.  The lawsuit
	claims that Fido was inhumanely treated by not receiving meals exactly
	on time, never getting a doggie treat, having to go to bathroom outside
	and in the cold.  It also claims that it was subjected to torture on
	numerous occasions when the owner attempted to bathe the dog and when
	taking it to the veterinarian.

	The lawyer says his client deserves at least two million and a ‘divorce’
	from the owner.  "Of course Fido cannot handle any settlement, so I will
	be in charge of any money from a settlement," said Swindi.

	Copyright 1998 Duncan Exposé.  All rights reserved.

	Duncan Exposé Homepage 

AQUARIUS

The Aquarius Dog is friendly and loyal.  Aquarius dogs are most likely
to hang with you in the den while you watch TV, or lay under the hammock
while you enjoy a warm summer day.  Aquarius dogs can also be
independent and inventive, looking for new and different ways to
retrieve that ball under the couch, for example.  The Aquarius dog is a
true pal in every sense, unless his owner forgets mealtime.

PISCES

The Pisces Dog is a kind and loving dog.  They have a giving nature, and
are very caring dogs.  They make great rescue dogs, and they love riding
up on the seat of a fire engine.  Because of their selfless nature they
are easygoing around the house, never upset to make any changes to
please his owner.  They are easy to train and love to go for long
walks.  Especially if those walks lead to a park.

ARIES

The Aries Dog is adventurous and energetic, always exploring new areas.
Aries dogs love to go for walks and their pioneering nature leads them
in new directions.  Their confidence and impulsiveness sometimes gets
them into precarious situations, whether it be following a squirrel into
bramble or into a pond after a stick.  But the Aries dog will always
firmly and boldly assert himself and dive headlong into another
escapade, especially if it's with that little mutt from across town that
always seems to find the good sticks.

TAURUS

The Taurus Dog is loving and cuddly.  Taurus dogs are patient and
reliable, always putting up with their owner's foibles and habits.  They
love to lay in front of a fire or curled on a blanket.  The Taurus dog
relishes time with his owner and is a little jealous of others who
interrupt that special time.  Taurus dogs are quiet and peaceful and are
most comfortable when all is well and secure in their world, especially
if there's a bone nearby.

GEMINI

The Gemini Dog is a lively dog that gets along anywhere and in any
situation.  Gemini dogs love to communicate with their owners excited to
share a recent discovery or observation.  No matter how old they are,
Gemini dogs are always youthful and exuberant.  Inquisitive and
sometimes a little devilish, the Taurus dog is versatile and adaptive
and absolutely loves double fire hydrants.

CANCER

The Cancer Dog is protective and caring.  Woe be to the burglar that
chooses the home of a Cancer dog.  Cancer dogs are emotional and
intuitive; they know what's on their owner's mind even before the
owner.  Cancer dogs are also sensitive and tender.  They're also the
most sympathetic of all dogs, intuitively feeling what their owners
feel.  Unfortunately, the same is not true for the mailperson.

LEO

The Leo Dog is powerful and faithful.  They are enthusiastic and full of
energy.  Leo dogs head pell mell into every activity, from running to
fetching.  They even sleep with gusto and elan.  Leo dogs are convinced
they are the masters of all they survey and while they are generous and
warm-hearted, they are the boss.  Above all, Leo dogs are faithful and
loyal to their owners, except where cats might be involved.

VIRGO

The Virgo Dog is modest and a little shy.  While the Virgo dog knows
he's handsome and attractive, he's reluctant to prance about showing
off.  The Virgo dog is also reliable and diligent.  Given a task, the
Virgo dog carries it out fully and faithfully, but turns bashful in the
face of lavish praise.  Virgo dogs are happy lying in the sun watching
their families happy around them.  Of course, the Virgo dog overcomes
his natural shyness the minute there's a mention of dog treats.

LIBRA

The Libra Dog is easygoing and sociable.  Libra dogs are relaxed and at
home at both extravagant soirées and small intimate gatherings.  They
are happy moving among guests at the largest parties or curled up by the
coffee table at high tea.  The important thing for Libra dogs is to be
out and about, among people, other dogs, anyplace social.  Libra dogs
are laid back and happy.  Not much excites them, except that little
French poodle on the next block.

SCORPIO

The Scorpio Dog is determined and focused.  Scorpio dogs will always
accomplish whatever it is they set their minds to.  They are also
passionate and forceful dogs, relishing every activity, even as they
exhaust themselves having fun at it.  Scorpio dogs can be intense; they
have been known to stare at a rabbit in the yard for hours at a time,
while trapped inside, never moving from their window perch.  Except, of
course when the dinner bell rings.

SAGITTARIUS

The Sagittarius Dog is carefree and freedom-loving.  Sagittarius dogs
love wide open spaces and the ability to explore them.  They are happy
and good-humored dogs who love to romp and play with their owners.
Sagittarius dogs are open and honest, never hiding how they feel, which
is usually happy and jovial.  Sagittarius dogs are happiest when they
are in an open field with an owner to throw a ball.

CAPRICORN

The Capricorn Dog is patient and careful.  Capricorn dogs seem to know
that good things come to dogs that wait.  That may explain why they sit
so quietly by their owners in the kitchen.  The Capricorn dog is
meticulous and particular.  He sleeps in a certain place, likes certain
toys and patrols the yard in a certain way.  The Capricorn dog is also
very disciplined, except when it comes to enjoying liver snacks.

	The day is divided into two important sections:
	Mealtime.  And everything else.

	I.   Mealtime
	
	   1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around 
	      to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. 
	      The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which
	      someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that
	      eventually results in food.

	   2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower
	      third of any space for edibles.  Mouth-sized things which cannot
	      be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

	   3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as
	      you would a shower.  Never, never look up again until a minimum
	      of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone.  This
	      is important.  Just because your dish is empty does not mean that
	      it is time to stop eating.

	   4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time
	      that it is actually swallowed by another.  The lengthy path a
	      piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is  
	      as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

	   5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and
	      packaging mean nothing.  There are absolutely no exceptions to
	      this rule.
	
	   6. If you really see something you want, and all your other 
	      attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel
	      shamelessly.  As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of
	      your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles
	      from your lower lip.
	
	II.  Everything Else
	
	   1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother
	      with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
	
	   2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best
	      time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called
	      repeatedly.  The best location for a nap is dead center of any
	      street or driveway.  The most relaxing position is on your side,
	      all four limbs parallel.
	
	   3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a
	      fully clothed person.  A second effective method is to stand on 
	      a light-colored piece of furniture.
	
	   4. Personal Safety
	
	      A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to
	         room yelling loudly.  If someone actually comes into the
	         house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then
        	 kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have
        	 to force you away physically.

	      B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come
	         to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make
	         sure there are none in your yard.
	
	   5. Recreation and Leisure
	
	      A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will
	         want to know.
	
	         a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball
	            and return it.
	
	         b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball
	            and eat it.
	
	      B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get
	         in.  Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
	
	   6. Health
	
	      A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your
	         guard.  If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.