Ant Attacks

Method A: AARDVARKS Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known ant hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like). Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required. Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste entire afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between game shows and forgetting to close the fridge door when they've raided it for yet another six-pack.

Method B: LARGE BOOTS Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably), obtain a friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to the ants. Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator. Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling of a "Holy War Against Ants" attitude in your boot wielding friend. Show them videos of "Them" and "The Hellstrom Chronicles".

Method C: NAPALM Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111's or similar fighter- bomber military aircraft. Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide, visually spectacular. Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property values. Misses can instill ill-feeling in your neighbors should you incinerate schools or houses.

Method D: TECHNO Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they subscribe to Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and make frequent posts along the lines of: "My pheromone operating system is better than yours", "Evil drug companies are withholding antennae rot cures" and "Green Cards for Worker Ants Spam" - encourage flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant society will collapse in a sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass hysteria. Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds. Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of teeny-tiny-terminals.

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