Animal Jokes

Turtle Mugging

A turtle is mugged by three snails. 

When asked by police to give a description of what happened,
he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

The "Rules" for Tour Guides at Disney's Animal Kingdom

by Carl Hiaasen as appeared April 23, 1998, in the Miami Herald

At Disney, it's a wild, wild world

Good morning, bwanas! Today's the day we finally open Disney's new Animal
Kingdom theme park for the world.

As tour guides, it's your job to make sure all visitors have fun. Many of
you have never worked with real live critters, so let's go over the
guidelines again.

Number one: If your safari bus should encounter our wild animals acting
like, well, wild animals, do not under any circumstances attempt to
disconnect them, deprogram them or try to locate the "off" button.

Remember, these are not the dancing country bears -- and they're probably
not just dancing, anyway.

I know it's a big adjustment for all of us here at Walt Disney World. In
the old days, when a jungle beast went haywire we'd just replace a
transistor. Not anymore.

The wildlife here at Animal Kingdom sometimes will engage in public
behavior that our guests might find puzzling or even disturbing -- behavior
for which (I'm ashamed to say) a few of our human "cast members" have
been occasionally reprimanded.

As tour guides, it's your duty not to let our visitors be distracted.
Turning to page 17 of the manual, you'll find a detailed list of
embarrassing animal antics, next to the officially scripted Disney

Scratching, for instance. As you've undoubtedly noticed, our primates can
be indiscreet in their personal scratching habits. Please try not to bring
this to the attention of your safari guests.

If, however, a guest observes this behavior and inquires, always refer to
it as "grooming." Same goes for the licking -- those lions, I swear, they
never give it a rest. . . . Just remember: "Grooming" is the operative

Several of you asked about the poop issue. I passed along your concerns
directly to Mr. Eisner's office, and I've been told there's not a darn
thing to be done. We've got 1,000 animals roaming here and unless the folks
in Imagineering come up with some amazing new gadget, there's going to be
lots of poop.

Hey, I'm on your side. Sixteen years I worked the Main Street Parade and we
never had this problem, except for that one really obnoxious Pluto.

And, yes, I'm well aware how much a full-grown elephant eats -- but try to
deal with it, OK? "Droppings." That's the approved Disney term, whether
it's from a hippo or a hummingbird.

The next item is, sadly, animal mortality. As you know, we've already lost
two rhinos, some rare birds, four cheetah cubs. It's made for a few
unpleasant headlines, to be sure.

But this is straight from the lawyers: Never use the terms "die" or
"dead" on your Disney safari. If the tour bus passes an animal that
appears not to be breathing, you may describe it as "lethargic,"
"inactive," "dormant," or (for the youngsters) "napping."

Good. Now go out there and give these wonderful folks an authentic
true-life jungle adventure, droppings and all!

Pet Appreciation Week

This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for
your pet, something they'll really appreciate, like:

* Lick your dog in the face.

* Bring your cat a dead bird.

* Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.

* Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.

* Eat supper on the floor.

* Spend quality time with your pet after rolling around in something
really awful.

Pets' Pet Peeves

* Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

* Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they
            don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes...

            Oh boy! Fish flakes!

* Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it?
       I already KNOW whose it is!"

* Cat: Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.

* Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle
            to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I
            must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!

* Parrot: Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy bastards ever
          really give me a cracker? HECK, no!!

* Dog: Human legs that just tease.

* Dingoes: When you snatch a boney, crunchy baby instead of a
           plump, juicy one.

* Cat: Why are these people in my house?

* Dog: What the... HEY!!!  Where are my balls?!?!

* Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"


The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full- stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

Dolphin Intelligence

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within
only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to
stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Dog/Cat Consciousness

  A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
  me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
  They must be gods!

  A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
  me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
  I must be a god!


Department of Justice Draft Pet Registration Guidelines


Within the past two years, 141 federal employees, including three ATF personnel, ten IRS employees, seven FBI operatives, and 95 postal workers, have been attacked and injured by terrorist organizations and individuals with views critical of the government, via an intermediary mechanism that has made it difficult, and in some cases impossible, to levy federal charges against them for their actions.

The nature of the problem is the widespread distribution and unauthorized use of self-controlled biological warfare munitions of dubious manufacture and under the control of unreliable and often hostile individuals. The forms most relevant to the safety of law enforcement officials are as follows: a) the "doggie", a vicious predatory mobile equipped with powerful cutting fangs and a nasty attitude, often deliberately trained and kept for the injury and death of human beings. "Doggies" are often so aggressive in nature that they will attempt to follow armored vehicles, presumably in an effort to dislodge utility cables, obstruct the operator's view, or block the vehicle's motion by catching in the wheels. b) the "kittie-cat", a uniquely effective espionage and entry device, used for penetrating residential buildings and causing the deaths of domesticated avians. A particular menace of this munition lies in the frequency of innocuous "cute" "kittie-cats", which lull agents into a false sense of security, which can lead to severe injury should jungle cats or other more militarily useful felines be encountered.

Incredibly, these mobile aggressors represent genetically altered forms of naturally occurring species. They have been specifically designed to appear harmless and appeal to innocent bystanders' sense of "cuddlyness", with often lethal results. They can carry rabies, a deadly virus, and transmit it to human beings via unprovoked attack. They are allowed to roam nearly at will on the public streets, leaving potentially biohazardous waste in unmarked and unauthorized locations. Because strict guidelines on genetic engineering have been proposed only recently, these forms have previously been treated as exempt from all such ethical considerations. We feel that the protection of federal employees and innocent bystanders demands an alteration of this policy to ensure greater security for all Americans.

We propose these draft guidelines for Pet Registration and Control (PRC) as the first step in taking back our public streets from these wandering weapons of war.

1) In order to prevent uncontrolled production of these beasts, the possession of any doggie or kittie-cat shall be made illegal, under penalty of ten years imprisonment or $100,000 fine, unless the owner shall have obtained the animal by legitimate mechanisms and maintained an appropriate license for possession.

2) Licensing shall be under the jurisdiction of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. A license shall not be granted to any individual with a history of psychological problems or conviction of any felony, drug crime, sex-related crime, or weapons-related offense.

3) A license for personal possession shall be granted, provided that the owner obtains the animal pre-treated according to the following regimen:

a) All doggies and kitties must be vaccinated for rabies, toxoplasmosis, and other viruses as designated by the ATF regional coordinator under consultation with the Centers for Disease Control.

b) All doggies and kitties shall be permanently sterilized before release for personal license.

c) All doggies and kitties must carry an implanted communications beacon. This beacon shall include GPS positioning data, satellite uplink, microphone, and neural interface.

d) All doggies and kitties must be trained for unconditional and immediate obedience. Doggies and kitties must be trained to the level of reliably avoiding waste elimination in public places, entry into public roadways, and unauthorized attack on individuals. Doggies and kitties must be trained to recognize the odors of marijuana, cocaine, opium, ammonium nitrate, PETN, RDX, and TNT, and to issue a distinctive bark for purposes of alerting their implanted transmitter when any of these substances is detected.


e) All doggies and kitties must be trained to implement a set of basic commands, whose vocal triggers shall differ for each animal. The appropriate set of commands for each animal shall be maintained in FBI files and released only upon issuance of an appropriate warrant to police personnel. Required training shall include one-word commands for the animal to attack the nearest human being, retrieve a contraband object and return it to the requesting officer, and to self-destruct in five seconds or less.

f) Basic commands shall be available for issue via satellite downlink directly to the animal, as coordinated by satellite camera overview.

4) A license for breeding shall be issued only pursuant to an application with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, subject to administrative procedures focusing on building security, reliability of personnel, appropriate monitoring, drug testing, and voice stress analysis. The ATF shall be final arbitrator on all applications.

5) Export of French Poodles shall be permitted with only a personal possession license to the following countries, pending approval by the destination government: Canada, China, Singapore, Australia. Export of any genetic material from doggies and kitties, including hair follicles, is expressly prohibited to Iraq, Syria, Libya, Algeria, Iran, and Pakistan under the Chemical and Biological Weapons Treaty. Members of domestic terrorist organisations may be barred from export of any such material under order of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

6) Any involvement of a doggie or kittie in a violent or illegal incident shall result in the immediate prosecution of the licensee for violation of license conditions.

7) These guidelines will be available for public comment at the Department of Justice reading room for 30 days, at which point they will become mandatory administrative procedure.

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man, and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

Where do pets come from? It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?" And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

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