PillarSoft's OS/2 Faux News and Commentary

DateLine: April 1, 1998

A New Name For Warp?

Negotiations with Paramount over the use of the term "Warp" have broken down and are not expected to resume, according to an official with a friend that is close to IBM's Austin campus. The source reports that a close associate of a neighbor of Lou Gerstner says IBM will fall back to their backup plan that revokes Microsoft's right to the name "Windows". (aquired during the "Bob" fiasco) It is also known that Ms will have to make adjustments to their name to be able to use any of it as OS/2 will be rebadged with the "Win98.6" moniker. The new OS/2 logo will proclaim, "I feel fine! I just don't feel like going anywhere today!"

Microsoft will be allowed to use a variation of the name for a period of 2 months in order to allow time to gear up for a new marketing push. Sources close to Redmond say Microsoft is leaning toward the name, "Window Panes" to comply with truth in advertising laws in the US. IBM has offered, as a gesture of good will, to supply Microsoft with magnetic signs and logo's to rename remaining shrinkwraps and preloaded hard drives with their new name.

"This should save us beaucoup bucks on support", said IBM support technician Harley Schmoker, "This will completely change the way we do business! We can tell users with a problem that the fix will be available in the next version. With a name like Win98.6 creating an association in users minds with MS, I think they'll go for that. We'll finally get paid for bug fixes, cool huh?"

Authors note: It should be noted that the name "Window Panes" is, to the best of our knowledge correct but *could be* mispelled or otherwise incorrect. Our high level source was very hard to hear while his truck was in its garbage compaction cycle. We will try to verify that information next wednesday when he comes through this section of town again.

Marketing Gets The Axe

IBM's Marketing division will be pared down from it's present all time high of five employees to two as part of the transition from the OS/2 Warp name to the new "Win98.6". "It's a question of funding" said a source from marketing who requested anonymity, "Gil and I are the only ones that ever accomplished anything anyways. The nuns? That was our idea... Besides, the other three guy's wouldn't "play ball" with the supervisor. She can be tough and yet, very loving..."

According to sources in the front office, the entire marketing division will be incrementally moved to offices in Kazakhstan in order to maintain close contact with IBM's foremost accounts. "Gil Magill will go tuesday and the other half of the division will go on saturday." was the actual quote from our source. The division head, Svetlana Gorenskia, (pronounced - gore-en-sky-uh) has been in Kazakhstan since October overseeing remodeling of the communications hut. According to Svetlana, "Das hut vil be done post haste!"

Word on the street is that they are planning a massive new marketing effort expanding on the highly successful "Nuns" campaign of a few years ago. "It's going to be an audio masterpiece" said Magill of the new shortwave radio campaign.

Hmmm... What's the call sign for Kazakhstan?

Microsoft Gears Up For eBusiness

Bill Gates announced today from his new cream pie shop in Belgium that Microsoft will begin a push to become a player in the eBusiness arena. "Technically it is proving to be tough to fit everything we want to provide in a package small enough to be competitive. Our first offering will be an office suite containing an editor, calculator, memopad, paint program and a recipe book. We may have to drop the Calculator to get under our 65 megabyte target." said Gates, "But most people already have a calculator so no functionality will be lost."

Microsoft will follow with the next version of the office suite offering their new encrypted base 12 numbering system. Says Gates, "This new format will revolutionize the calculator business as well as the whole world of mathmatics as we know it." It falls in line with the "even dozen" principle developed in the Microsoft labs. "Those that can't adapt will slowly fade away" claimed Gates, "This is the wave of the future. It erases the limitations of the old base 10 system". The base 12 system will be freely available on all "Window Pains" platforms and encryption keys will be nominally priced, for the immediate future at least.

Gates also revealed the new security model will be based on the tight security offered in Ms's other systems (3FS). "If a problem arises with one of our applications the system will automatically, with no prompting needed from the user, stop immediately and reveal a "high visibility" blue screen that will tell the user that there is a problem. At that critical moment, your system is still safe from attack. We freeze the system so no one can access vital information or passwords etc. To reset the security feature the user need only flip the power off and then back on or use the secret 3 key solution we provide to all our users."

In closing Gates said, "We provide what the user wants... and this is what they want!"

SmartSuite Delayed

As reported by Warp City...

I was just informed by Indelible Blue that my preordered copy of SmartSuite is delayed again. They said Lotus had some kind of a problem getting their order filled. I called Lotus and after three separate calls and being rerouted through seven different people (most of them didn't know SS/2 was even going GA!) I finally got a Sarah Horner and she gave me the "supposed" skinny on the deal. Here is what she told me, to the best of my recollection:

It seems the fullfillment house is in Whitehorse, British Columbia. They had the truck loaded and ready to go last friday but the teamsters union wouldn't let it roll until monday. Ok, so unions aren't my favorite orgs but that's fine, it will still go on monday right? Well, monday rolls around and the driver heads down the Alcan Highway bound for the border. Apparently the Alcan is as rough a road as you'll see anywhere because when the truck reached the border, the customs agent said he'd had a call from the RCMP. The back of the truck had rattled open and all the dll's fell out. Now what? The driver called Lotus and headed back to retreive them. It could take a couple more weeks to find them all because, well, you know how hard it is to find all of an applications dll's. They also blend in quite well with the British Columbia flora.

I guess it could have been worse. The customs agent said a Microsoft truck came through two hours earlier with the same problem. Ms Headquarters told their driver to continue on without the dll's. "Whatever happens, we'll change the docs and tell them it's a feature."

Disclaimer - The preceding articles are intended to LOOK like news but actually have no basis in fact. As if you didn't know, they are pure and utterly complete fabrication. In other words, they closely follow the methods and maintain the integrity of most of todays magazine writers.

Top Ten Reasons why to use OS/2

10. No need to get nervous when you have more than 14 things in the task list.
9. You are more nerdy than Windows users, but not as much as Linux users.
8. Mention SCSI terminating or TCP/IP stacks in #windows and get blank stares. Mention them in #os/2 and get the history of the PC.
7. Get a strange look when you want to anytime the conversation turns to Computers.
6. Tired of hating Microsoft? Hate IBM for awhile!
5. You can get all snobbish when someone mentions java.
4. Don't have to drive all the way down to the software store to buy latest program. Just purchase it online!
3. Able to loathe Microsoft and not suffer from their products.
2. OS/2 makes you use quality hardware. (no WinModems, avoid Diamond, avoid Packard Bell)
1. Can you get a cooler operating system name than Warp?

Are you a hard core OS/2er?

Have you ever wondered how you stack up against OS/2 power users? Take this simple survey, add up your points and see how you rate. Are you a real OS/2 user, or just a cornflakes eater? 

1: You've used OS/2 for: 
a) A couple of months 
b) A couple of years 
c) A decade 
d) You were beta testing it when the Macintosh came out 

2: You drag and drop: 
a) Colors and fonts to customize your Desktop 
b) Objects to manipulate files 
c) Objects to the shredder 
d) Other operating systems to the shredder 

3: You use: 
a) Dual-boot to get into another operating system 
b) Hibernate/Trapdoor to get into another OS 
c) Boot Manager to get into another OS 
d) DOSiX to run WinNT, Linux and VMS under Warp 4 concurrently. 

4: Have you ever: 
a) Downloaded an OS/2 game? 
b) Purchased an OS/2 game? 
c) Won an OS/2 game? 
d) Sat down and ported one from Unix using the EMX libraries? 

5: Your bookshelf contains a copy of: 
a) OS/2 Warp: Unleashed 
b) SPG's ColorWorks V2 hardcover manual 
c) The entire Redbook series 
d) All of the above 

6: You bought a Zip drive so you could: 
a) Keep your naughty pictures stored on it 
b) Keep your clients' files stored on it 
c) Keep your backups stored on it 
d) Knock pens and stuff over by placing them in front of the unit and clicking 'Eject disk' from the drive's Desktop object 

7: Your primary file system is: 
a) FAT 
b) VFAT 
c) HPFS 
d) TVFS 

8: Your greatest dilemma is: 
a) Whether to run OS/2 or Windows 95 
b) SmartSuite vs. StarOffice 
c) PMView vs. Galleria 
d) WarpSans... or Helvetica... hmm... 

9: The first thing you do after unpacking a new computer is: 
a) See what bundled software it came with 
b) Read the instruction manual 
c) Browse around a bit before lunch 
d) Boot it up with the Warp 4 install disk in the A: drive 

10: The number 16 accurately describes: 
a) Your age 
b) The megabytes of memory you have installed 
c) The number of major OS/2 applications you own 
d) How many WarpCenter trays you have 

11: Your programming skill with Rexx is at the level of: 
a) Getting two programs to run one after another 
b) Setting up a filter for your e-mail client 
c) Updating your home page automatically 
d) Running a small local government 

12: You are printing a document, formatting a floppy, installing an application off a CD-ROM, downloading 3 files, listening to an .mp3, rendering a 3D scene and browsing the web at the same time because: 
a) You're in a frantic hurry to complete your midterm report before the deadline tomorrow, and it's already 3am 
b) You're one more goof-up away from getting a pink-slip and you're desperate to appear productive 
c) Your neighbors are visiting and you want them to think you're a high-powered hotshot 
d) It's a slow day 

13: When buying a car, the most important feature you look for is: 
a) Antilock brakes 
b) Passenger side air-bags 
c) CD Stereo 
d) Workplace Shell integration 

14: When going to the movies you: 
a) Cheer for the good guy 
b) Cheer for the bad guy 
c) Cheer for the computer nerd 
d) Squint at the screen to see if their computers are using OS/2 

15: When you find yourself awake at 4 a.m. it is usually because: 
a) You're that poor schmuck from question #12 
b) You drank too much coffee late in the day 
c) You don't think it's a big deal if you sleep until 11 a.m., even if it means that you'll get that big red spot on your forehead from sleeping at your desk 
d) Those darn Torians are kicking your butt and you know that if you go to sleep they might take over your class 26 planet in the Kwilas system 

Ratings: Give yourself: 
5 points for each question you answered a) 
10 points for each question you answered b) 
25 points for each question you answered c) 
50 points for each question you answered d) 

Now total your score and find your ranking from the following table: 
0 - 100: You're the twit from the "My retractable coffee-holder has broken" story
105 - 250: "I'm familiar with computers, but not OS/2" 
255 - 400: Someone could mention "WPS" or "HPFS" and you could still follow the conversation 
405 - 550: You know the Workplace Shell like the back of your hand
555 - 700: You dream in Rexx
700+: You ARE David Barnes

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